Raising a Psychopath

Update

2011-10-18T11:44:00.000-07:00

It's been a year since I last posted and many of you are wondering how things are going. Because of your kind support I want to offer this brief update.

Things are a little better today than they were a year ago and I haven't felt the need to write about our experiences. And while I know this is completely unscientific, I didn't want to do anything to 'jinx' it. That's why I haven't posted.

Lucas has returned home to us. He has been home for almost a year and his behaviors are more under control than they were.

That's not to say that there aren't problems. There certainly are. But those problems are less frequent and less severe than they used to be.

The scientist in me is trying to figure out why. What happened? What made him change, even a little? Did the treatment facility actually do something that helped? Did Lucas just mature and grow out of those behaviors? Did we just need a year-long break, and now we are rested and able to deal with his issues? Or did Lucas just learn to hide his behaviors better and we just aren't catching him as often as we used to? I suspect it is a combination of all of the above.

I also think there is a different expectation from the community. Lucas is now 14 and in high school, and adults treat him differently than they used to. He's no longer has the 'young and cute' angle going for him. High school students are expected to display some anti-social behavior and teachers and other adults know to look for these things. The community is more willing to hold a teen responsible for his behavior than they are a child. There are finally some boundaries.

But that's just a theory. After almost a year I still don't have a definitive answer. I'll keep trying to find the answer, and if I do, I'll post it here.

No matter why this change has happened, I am very thankful that it did.

His year is almost over

2010-09-07T11:25:00.000-07:00

We are approaching the end of Lucas’s year in residential treatment. Over the past few months Lucas hasn’t had many problems. He has been mostly well behaved. He is starting to talk more, both to his therapist and to us. And he’s fun to have around.

We’ve been visiting him every two weeks. Usually we’ll just take him “off grounds” for a few hours for lunch, a visit to the park, and maybe some shopping. These visits always go exceptionally well because we are with him the whole time.

Sometimes we will bring him home for the weekend. As long as we are with him, these visits also go well. However once he is on his own, something almost always happens. Lately these ‘somethings’ haven’t necessarily been intentional. They’ve been more like judgment lapses.

When most people play catch and the ball rolls out into the road, they are aware that they should stop and look both ways for traffic before going after it. That awareness stops them from doing something dangerous. Even though one part of their brain wants to chase the ball, that other part of their brain is strong enough to stop them from doing so. The message gets through.

But with Lucas it’s different. He knows full well that he shouldn’t run into the road. He can logically describe to you why he shouldn’t, and he agrees that it’s a bad idea to do so. But at the moment that the ball goes into the road, that information is not available to him. The part of the brain that shouts, “Wait! Stop! Danger!” just isn’t strong enough to get through. It’s as though he is so focused on one thing, that he simply blocks out all other internal (and often external) warnings.

This isn’t ADHD. If anything it is the exact opposite of ADHD. He focuses so intently on something that all the other ‘noise’ in his mind can’t break through. I believe this is the reason for all the behaviors I have documented in this blog. It’s never a willful attempt to break the rules. It’s never with malice. His mind simply doesn’t have access to the rules at the time he needs them most.

Anyway, since Lucas has been doing so well, Medicaid doesn’t want to continue to pay for the intensive treatment setting he is currently in. Plus he has completed the treatment ‘program’ that this facility offers, so there isn’t much more they can do for him. So everyone is in agreement that he should move to a step-down facility. This would be a place like a group-home, where there would still be 24-hour staff but the doors aren’t necessarily locked. Lucas would be given a lot more freedom to prove that he can control himself within the community.

There’s a bit of a delay because the group homes that Medicaid is willing to pay for have denied him. His issues are too severe for them. Medicaid’s suggestion is to try a ‘therapeutic foster home’, but we said no to this. The last thing a child with RAD needs is to be sent to yet another foster home. This leaves our own home as the only other option, which we are also fighting because he just isn’t ready. We aren’t ready.

We don’t know how this will turn out, but one thing is for certain: Lucas is about to be reintegrated into the community.

Maybe a community near you.

Time to start over AGAIN!

2010-05-05T10:21:00.000-07:00

It took 6 months, but Lucas’ therapist is finally starting to understand. She is starting to anticipate what he will do. She is starting to realize that even if he behaves well for a while, it does not mean he is making progress. She is starting to get frustrated by his lies.

This makes it much easier for us. Rather than being doubted, we get understanding. Rather than being judged, we get sympathy.

For Lucas it’s a bit more difficult. He’s in trouble more because she’s seeing more. He can’t get away with his manipulation anymore.

Yesterday the four of us meet for a family therapy session. His therapist told us she would be leaving the facility to take a new job elsewhere. Lucas would be getting a new therapist.

His smile could be compared to that of the Mona Lisa.

The Home Visit

2010-04-15T15:51:00.000-07:00

Lucas came home last weekend and we had a great home visit. It was actually really nice having him home. We went to the mall and bought him some new clothes. We watched a movie together. We took him out for dinner.

Interestingly he couldn’t decide what to have for dinner. We had to pick something for him. He had the same problem the next morning picking something for breakfast. He has always had a problem making decisions. But now he has become so used to other people making decisions for him that he simply couldn’t do it himself.

But that’s minor. The important thing is that all three of us were happy. We enjoyed being with each other. We didn’t want to take him back and we were saddened when we left the facility without him.

We came back home and checked the video tape. Remember the video system we installed? Yeah, we had it on. And he knew it.

Our camera was set up to look down the hallway past his bedroom and bathroom door. I left the light on in the hallway so the camera could record all night. The video showed me go into his room to kiss him goodnight and then head upstairs to bed. A minute later it showed Lucas come out of his room, look directly at the camera, turn the hallway light out and go back into his room. He knew exactly what he was doing.

A few minutes later the video showed my wife go into the bathroom. The light in Lucas’ bedroom was still on and it spilled out into the hallway, so the camera picked this up. The camera also picked up Lucas coming out of his room, getting down on his hands and knees, and looking under the bathroom door. A few minutes later Lucas hurriedly got up and ran back into his room, just as my wife exited the bathroom, completely unaware of what had just happened.

The camera showed my wife saying goodnight to Lucas and turning out Lucas’ bedroom light.

A few minutes later, after my wife had gone to bed, the light in Lucas’ closet turned on. I could tell it was the closet light because that light is fluorescent and looks blue on camera. That light turned off 25 minutes later and the camera recorded nothing more.

We investigated his closet and found one of his previously clean bed sheets and a T-shirt crumpled and hidden under his other clean sheets. They were both soiled with a variety of fluids. We called him at the facility and asked him what he was doing in the closet after we had gone to bed. He admitted to masturbating, but wouldn’t admit to leaving a soiled sheet and t-shirt where they shouldn’t have been.

That he was masturbating, even in his closet, is no big deal. This is completely normal behavior for a 13-year-old boy. That he used a lubricant is also no big deal. However the fact that he did so shortly after peeping at my wife in the bathroom does raise some concerns. The fact that he also urinated and defecated on the sheet and t-shirt, and then hid the soiled linens under the clean ones, raises even more concerns.

But the most concerning thing to us is that he’s learning to blend in. As long as we were with him he was great to have around. He has learned to control his behaviors when other people are watching. Good! But he is plotting and waiting, and the INSTANT nobody is watching, he acts.

He had us fooled, and we knew what to look for. We thought things were going so well. We praised and rewarded him for his good behavior. It wasn’t until much later that we learned the truth.

This is what we are most afraid of. Now that he is a teenager he will be coming into contact with many more people. People who don’t know what to look for. They will see a perfectly normal and pleasant kid who is a joy to have around. They will keep their guard down until it’s too late.

I called the facility and spoke to his therapist. I explained everything that had happened. She was shocked. “Lucas? Really? Wow, I didn’t see THAT coming.”

She confronted Lucas. He gave some really bad excuse for his behaviors and then refused to talk about it any more. She later told me that the combination of the video tape and Lucas’ refusal to talk about it will be more than enough to convince Medicaid that he needs to stay another 6 months.

We’ll see.

Denied!

2010-04-08T15:00:00.001-07:00

So things have been going well, both for Lucas and for us.

Lucas has adjusted to life at the treatment facility and is generally happy there. He’s getting A’s and B’s in their school. He had a girlfriend. She left. He got another one the next day. The staff now knows to keep a close eye on him, so he doesn’t have any opportunities to get into trouble, and therefore doesn’t.

We are getting used to life without Lucas as well. We call him once or twice each week and we visit him every other weekend. And in between we are happy. Life is good. It’s almost like it was before we adopted him. My wife smiles a lot more and is relaxed. And because I don’t have to rush home every day, I successfully took on a big project at work and got a promotion as a result.

As we approached the half-way point of Lucas’ one year stay at the facility we were feeling optimistic about the future. Well, optimistic about the next 6 months or so. We’ll worry about the one-year point when it gets here.

“DENIED!”

That’s what the letter we received from Medicaid said. It referred to their decision not to continue to pay for Lucas’ treatment.

According to Medicaid’s guidelines, Lucas no longer needs treatment. This is because he doesn’t need any medication and because he hasn’t had any serious incidents in the past 3 months. Therefore he’s ready to be released.

Apparently if you take a kid who can’t (won’t) control himself unless he’s watched 24/7, and put him in a place where he is watched him 24/7, you cure him! Amazing! And apparently if you ask him why he’s behaving so well, and he says, “Because someone is always watching”, that doesn’t offer ANY clue to how he will behave outside of that situation.

So we panicked and called the facility. “What can we do?” we asked. They unconvincingly tried to reassure us that this is normal; that Medicaid does this all the time. It’s like a game.

I don’t like games. And given that the last time funding ran out, we were all placed on house arrest, we didn’t hold out much hope for a good outcome.

So we decided to have Lucas stay with us this weekend. This is something the facility sort of hinted at earlier, and suddenly was really pushing. Almost like they were trying to prepare us for having him home for good. Hint. Hint.

I admit I had an ulterior motive. Since Lucas won’t misbehave when others are watching, let’s put him in a situation where others aren’t watching (at least not directly). Then we can document his behaviors in the real world. This was not setting him up for failure. This was placing him in a situation where he would normally be expected to behave. A situation Medicaid says he is ready for.

I have a feeling this weekend will show us what life will be like when he returns. We are about to see our future.

"Wow, I didn’t see THAT coming."

2009-11-22T06:08:00.000-08:00

Oh, Happy Day. Oh, Happy Day!

The day after the standoff I sent an e-mail to the treatment center. I hoped it would reach the VP of Operations before her Monday meeting to discuss their policy regarding parents visiting their child’s room.

I spent hours working on this letter. The first draft documented all the problems we were having with house staff, and all the things we found in his room. It basically accused house staff of not doing their jobs and this is why we needed access to keep an eye on them. The second draft was much shorter, friendlier, and more positive. It talked about allowing us to stay connected with our son who suffers from severe RAD. It was this second draft I ended up sending.

We didn’t hear anything on Monday

We didn’t hear anything on Tuesday either.

Wednesday afternoon I received a call from the treatment center. It was from the principal of Lucas’s school. Lucas and one of his buddies decided to run away from school. They figured out when security was most lax, they had someone create a distraction, and they bolted into the woods nearby. It took staff 40 minutes to find them. The principal explained that this was expected from the other boy. She said, “But Lucas has always been such a good boy. I have to tell you. With Lucas, I didn’t see THAT coming.”

I called my wife to tell her. I said, “Well, I just got off the phone with the treatment center. Their words were, quote, I didn’t see THAT coming.” My wife squealed with glee. She didn’t yet know WHAT happened, but she knew what it meant. It meant we had the right to say, “I told you so!”

For years Lucas’s therapists have treated us like we know nothing. Like we couldn’t possibly understand what is going on in his head. This has been especially true with the therapy team at this treatment center. I think this attitude comes from an incorrect assumption on their part. They figure that if we were able to understand what’s happening in his mind, then we would have been able to correct his behaviors long before he needed residential treatment.

So every time someone says to us, “Wow! I didn’t see THAT coming”, we understand and we sympathize. But we also feel vindicated. We DO see these things coming and we try to warn them. But nobody believes us until it happens to them.

Later that day we called the house to talk to Lucas. After we got his side of the story, the house supervisor (the same one who refused us entry only 4 days before) got on the phone. He explained how shocked he was when he heard. “Who did this? Lucas? Really? Wow! I didn’t see THAT coming.”

Despite several calls, I still haven’t had a chance to talk to his therapist. I want to point out several key factors because maybe now they will listen.

Lucas is not a flight risk on his own. He never runs AWAY from things. He may run TOWARDS something or WITH someone, but never AWAY. He stays where there are other people. It doesn’t matter how bad things are, as long as there are other people around, he will stay. If Lucas ran away by himself, we would be just as surprised. But he left with someone else, which means he still had that social interaction that he craves.
This action was premeditated; it was NOT impulsive in the normal sense of the word. Lucas and his buddy decided to do this several hours prior. They made a plan. They recruited others to help them. They waited until the time was right. These are not impulsive decisions. These were choices. This is the pattern Lucas has always followed. He waits until your guard is down. He waits until the time is right.
Lucas only acts up when he feels empowered. We learned long ago that as soon as Lucas gets a reward, or is released from punishment, he immediately screws it up by doing something he shouldn’t. This is why we ended up with our policy of ‘constant lockdown’. As long as he didn’t feel empowered, he didn’t act up. So what happened to make him feel empowered? What happened to make him think he can now get away with things? Oh, wait! Didn’t he just witness his parents being barred from searching his room?
"I told you so!"

OK, maybe I won’t mention that last one, but I really want to.

On Thursday I received an e-mail from the VP of Operations. They have drafted a policy regarding parents’ rights to see their child’s room. The new policy states that as long as they follow some basic guidelines, parents CAN see their child’s room every time they visit.

Oh, Happy Day!

Not Welcome!

2009-11-15T08:35:00.000-08:00

It took a lot longer for us to bounce back than we thought it would. I still don’t think we’re completely over it yet. For us, losing even that little bit of freedom was traumatic. And yet Lucas seems to thrive in it. We never imagined that out of the 6 billion people on this planet, the one person most different from us would be our son.

The treatment center is quite different from the evaluation center. The staff isn’t nearly as friendly with us. They wouldn’t even let us in the house where Lucas will be living. They claim HIPAA laws require them to keep visitors out so that we don’t see who else might be receiving treatment here. That’s like keeping visitors out of a hospital because they might see other patients. It funny that the evaluation center had no problem with giving us free access to the house there.

Lucas is living in a special house reserved for sexual offenders. They are focused on treating Lucas’s sexual problems and seem to be ignoring all his other issues, including his psychopathy. They aren’t interested in listening to us about all his non-sexual issues. They don’t want to hear that the sexual issues are merely a symptom of some much deeper problems.

They want to teach Lucas things like ‘victim empathy’. They play games like, “How would YOU feel if someone did these things to you?” They don’t understand that he wouldn’t feel anything. They don’t want to hear that he has no frame of reference to make a comparison like that. You can’t teach the color blue to someone who is blind. In his mind he is thinking, “I wouldn’t care if someone did those things to me, so it’s no big deal if I do them to someone else.”

They won’t listen when we tell them about Lucas’s other therapists. How they thought things were going great until the next big thing happened. How almost every other therapist has ended up saying something like, “Wow, I didn’t see THAT coming.” How we DID see THAT coming. These new therapists are repeating the same old mistakes. They see us as a burden, rather than a resource.

We know Lucas is going to get worse in this treatment center, not better. In just the first few weeks we’ve seen negative changes in him.

He very quickly picked up the urban slang of most of his other housemates. He’s already coning the staff into buying him new shoes because he doesn’t like the ones we bought him. He’s been in their school for several weeks and can’t even tell us what he is learning. And even though he’s in 7th grade, they don’t seem to think it is important to make him do homework.

When we call Lucas (he still doesn’t call us) he tells us about all the horror films (“Friday the 13th”, “Michael Myers”, “It”, etc.) they watch during the evenings. We have SO MANY issues with this. First, you’re showing horror films to a 12-year-old? Second, you’re showing horror films to a psychopath? And third and most importantly, you’re showing horror films to Lucas? A boy whose strongest memory of his childhood is the constant nightmares he had from watching horror films with his birth family?

Two weeks ago we did finally get to see where he lives. They brought us in the back door and we had to go straight to his room. The other kids were kept in a different part of the house. We searched his room and found several ‘issues’ including gansta-rapper Fat Joe lyrics, notes for how to draw graffiti, a drawing of a penis, the start of a hole right in the center of his brand-new mattress, about 30 used tissues (that he used to masturbate) strewn all over and under his bed, curse words and a swastika written on his bed, and several other pairs of shoes that he had ‘borrowed’ from other kids in the house.

The house staff was amazed at everything we found in such a short time. We explained it comes from years of experience. We know what to look for. We told them that Lucas had never heard these particular rap lyrics before arriving here. They tried to make excuses like, “Well, he must have heard them over at the school. They aren’t allowed here in the house.” We later asked Lucas where he heard the lyrics. He said another kid in the house played them for him on his CD player all the time.

Lucas is only 12 years old. He still needs parents. He needs people to watch over him, to protect him, and to teach him right from wrong. It’s clear that he’s not getting any of this where he is now. So I guess that job falls to us during the short visits we have with him.

We explained to his therapist the problems we were seeing, and that during our next visit we wanted to see his room again. When we arrived the house supervisor denied us access to the house. We asked why. He again used the HIPAA laws as his excuse. We requested to go in the back door, away from all the other kids. He refused. We offered to be blindfolded until we reached his room. He refused. We explained that we were allowed in before. He said that was a mistake and it won’t be repeated. We called his boss. The boss said it was the house supervisor’s decision. We called the VP of Operations. She said they would hold a meeting on Monday to discuss the issue. We explained to the house supervisor how important it was that we be able to search his room, for the safety of the other kids in the house. Frustrated he finally said, “Look, you’re not getting in this house, and that’s final.” The standoff lasted more than a half-hour and in the end we left, angry and upset, without seeing his room.

You think you know how to handle him? You don’t want us involved?

Fine! He’s your problem now! But in another month or so when you say, “Wow, I didn’t see THAT coming,” don’t come crying to us. We don’t want to hear it anymore!

Of course I don’t really mean it. And that’s the problem. I wish I did mean it. I wish I could just stop caring about him and stop trying to help him. I wish I lacked a conscience. I wish I lacked empathy.

Life would be so much easier that way.

House Arrest

2009-10-24T07:52:00.000-07:00

After leaving the courtroom we quickly make a plan on how to deal with Lucas being on house arrest. The judges orders stated that at least one of us had to stay home with him at all times. Since we both have full-time jobs, this restriction posed a problem. We quickly decided that both our bosses would be happier if we each showed up for half-a-day each day, rather than a full-day on alternating days. I went to work that afternoon while my wife took the first ‘home’ shift.

Lucas spent his first hour at home just walking around, checking everything out. Yes, his room was still there. His bed was still there. His books were still there. Yes, his garbage was gone, including all his candy and snack wrappers that were hidden under his mattress, in his coat pockets, in his puzzle boxes, and in his bathroom cabinet. He would sneak these items and then hide the wrappers so we wouldn’t see them in the garbage can. His stash of trail mix that he kept in his winter cap was also gone. Not a bag of trail mix, just handfuls of trail mix thrown into the cap itself.

That evening his probation officer showed up to put on the ankle bracelet. He explained that once it was on, it could only be removed by breaking it. And if anyone but the probation officer broke it, Lucas would be sent to the detention center. It was waterproof so he could still take a shower. Along with the bracelet came a large monitoring contraption that had to be plugged into the house phone line. It sensed where Lucas was and reported in every half-hour or so. This meant we had limited use of our phone line. Every time we made a call we only had a few minutes before it would beep indicating that it needed to call in.

The first few days weren’t too bad. Our bosses were understanding, at least at first. My wife and I hardly saw each other because one of us was always at work or running an errand while the other of us was at home. We were hoping Medicaid would quickly approve payment so Lucas could go to the new treatment center. They had 3 business days to either approve or deny the request. But on day 5 of house arrest (two days being the weekend) the insurance company said it needed more information, which started the clock all over again. House arrest was going to last at least into the following week.

On day 8 of house arrest Medicaid finally approved payment. Of course word of this arrived at 3pm on a Friday, so there was nothing that could be done before the weekend.

Monday was Columbus Day which meant that even though the treatment center was ready to take him, probation had the day off so they couldn’t release him.

By this point our bosses were quickly losing patience. They were upset we were missing so much work. We felt trapped in our own house and were getting serious cabin fever. My wife and I started arguing over who could leave when. It was a real strain. Surprisingly Lucas was the least of our worries. He was really well behaved. He didn’t once give us any problems. We asked him why he was being so good. Apparently the judge’s threat that if he did even the littlest thing wrong he would go to the detention center was what it took to change his behavior. If house arrest, an ankle bracelet and a threat of immediate jail time is what it takes to get through to him then I don’t feel nearly as bad about making him stand in the corner for 4 hours that one time.

Tuesday we called probation to get things moving. It took all day to figure out that they couldn’t release him to the treatment center until they had written proof that Medicaid would pay the bill. Medicaid’s policy is to NOT release that information in written form. So now we were at a bureaucratic stalemate and several phone calls from both me and Lucas’s lawyer couldn’t break it.

Wednesday, day 13 of house arrest, I was determined to end this. I called the treatment center and scheduled Lucas’s intake for 3pm that day (without Probation’s permission). I then called Probation and told them his intake was scheduled and that they had to release him. My idea was that if probation didn’t release him from house arrest in time then we could accuse them of interfering with Lucas’s treatment. They said they would have to check with their bosses, and then check with their bosses’ bosses.

I very impatiently waited for a response, calling them and Lucas’s lawyer every hour, trying to get things moving.

Finally at 12:30pm, 30 minutes before we had to leave for the intake meeting, probation agreed to release him. We stopped by the courthouse on the way to the treatment center so they could remove the ankle bracelet. I took Lucas out to lunch at Wendy’s, his first ‘good food’ in 2 months, and probably last ‘good food’ for several more months. I was proud of him for his good behavior. We met my wife on the way and we dropped him off at the treatment center. House arrest was over!

A few days later we cleaned up his room again. In those 13 days he was home, with us keeping an eye on him, he still managed to hide several snack wrappers and 6 empty or half-empty cans of soda in his room. I guess the immediate threat of jail wasn’t enough to change his behavior after all.

House arrest was a lot harder on us than we thought it would be. If we had to do it over again we would have gladly paid the $1,800 for him to stay at the evaluation center.

Yesterday I received a bill from Lucas’s lawyer: $1,750.

Son of a ...

I Hate Probation!

2009-10-04T06:52:00.000-07:00

On day 40 of Lucas’s court-ordered 45-day stay at the center, we attended a meeting with his diagnostic team. They showed a clear need for Lucas to stay long-term at a treatment center. Everyone, including his local treatment team, juvenile probation, my wife and myself agreed that this was the right thing for him. This was the easy part.

The hard part came at the end of the 45 days. On day 45 the Office of Juvenile Probation would stop paying for his stay at the evaluation center. Approximately 3 to 11 days later Medicaid would (hopefully) start paying for his stay at the treatment center. They needed this time to review the case and approve the funds.

The recommendation was very clear that, for the safety of the community, Lucas must be supervised 24-hours-a-day. So what should happen for these 3 to 11 days?

The obvious answer was that he should stay where he was, at the evaluation center, until he can be moved to the treatment center. But at a cost of over $300/day, no one was willing to foot the bill. If we knew it would only be 3 or 4 days, we could have come up with the cash somehow. But because it might go for as many as 11 days, and then Medicaid could still reject the treatment, we couldn’t justify paying over $3,000 out of pocket. We were told not to worry about it. It will all work out.

We were told wrong.

By day 43 it became clear that no one was going to step up and pay for this lapse of coverage. That’s when I received a rather blunt call from Lucas’s probation officer that they were going to pick Lucas up at 2pm on the last day and place him in the detention center (jail) for at least 5 days until they could get a court hearing. The probation officer made it clear that we had no say in this matter. Probation told us they considered him such a danger to society that they had no choice but to lock him up.

Now I agree that our son is a danger. I know he will eventually end up in prison. And I know he won’t really care if he’s there or not. I’ve known this for over two years now. It’s the whole point of this blog.

But at the end of that phone call, something in me snapped. Maybe it was the attitude of the probation officer telling me I had no choice. Maybe it was the flagrant violation of Lucas’s civil rights. His crime was over year ago. He served his punishment: 1 year of probation. Locking someone up because of what they ‘might’ do is not allowed in the American justice system. Maybe it was just the ‘Dad’ instinct taking over. Maybe it was some combination of all three. But at the end of that phone call I knew I was going to fight this, and fight it hard! My wife was behind me 100%.

I called Lucas’s lawyer several times. He told me there was nothing he could do. I called the evaluation center. There was nothing they could do. I called his local treatment team. There was nothing they could do. I called my state’s juvenile advocacy center. There was nothing they could do. Everyone said Probation could just take Lucas and lock him up.

In my mind this was now a custody issue. We had legal custody. Probation did not. They don’t have the right to take my son away from me. Not a year after his crime.

So on day 44 I faxed a letter to the evaluation center specifically stating my rights to custody, and forbidding them from releasing Lucas to Juvenile Probation. This forced Probation to schedule an emergency hearing for the next morning. The judge would decide who, if anybody, would pick Lucas up from the evaluation center that afternoon and where would they take him.

It felt surreal. Because despite everything we have been through, we still love our son very much. And even though we had spent years trying to get someone, anyone, to understand just how dangerous Lucas is; once someone finally did understand, we were fighting it. For once we were fighting for a lesser punishment. We were sticking up for Lucas. We were protecting him.

We actually felt like ‘normal’ parents. It felt good.

The next morning we arrived at Lucas’s hearing ready for a fight. But when we got there we were told to wait outside the courtroom. Probation and Lucas’s lawyer needed to talk to the judge off the record first. Those discussions ended up lasting more than an hour.

So we waited. Angry and frustrated that things had gotten this bad. Feeling like nobody was on our side. Afraid of what would happen to our son.

As we paced the hallway, we just happened to look in a small room nearby. There sat our 12-year-old Lucas!

In handcuffs and shackles!

My wife, who is one of the strongest people I know, started crying and screaming. She took off down the hallway towards the courtroom, ready to strangle the first probation officer she saw. I caught her and held her. I tried to quiet her, but I’m sure they could still hear her rants of hatred through the closed courtroom door.

We were furious! Not only did Probation pick Lucas up, but the evaluation center released him, both against our express written permission.

After I’d calmed down a bit I went to check on Lucas. My wife stayed behind. She couldn’t bear to see him shackled like that.

I asked him what happened. He told me that he was eating breakfast with his friends when the probation officer showed up, slapped the cuffs and shackles on him and walked him out the door. After just receiving their ‘Kid of the Week’ award for good behavior, this is how he left the evaluation center, with all his new friends watching.

They had left the cuffs and shackles on him for the entire two-hour drive back from the center. I asked him what he thought of all this. In typical Lucas fashion he just shrugged. He didn’t particularly care for it, but it wasn’t all that big of a deal. The biggest ‘emotion’ he felt was boredom.

I almost admire him for this. He doesn’t get worked up over things. He doesn’t worry about the future. He feels no anxiety. At that moment we would have given almost anything to feel that way ourselves.

The judge finally called us into the courtroom for the official hearing. Lucas’s lawyer shook his head. It didn’t look good. Probation stood there with a smug grin.

The chief probation officer made some cocky statement about how they were offering this hearing simply as a courtesy to us ‘good parents’. Our lawyer made a halfway decent emotional plea. We presented ourselves as an intelligent, upstanding and capable family.

I don’t know which of those changed the judge’s mind. But at the end of the 45-minute hearing he announced…

“I will release Lucas into the custody of his parents…”

(Yes!!! We Won!!!)

“…He will be placed under house arrest…”

(OK.)

“…He will not be allowed to leave the house for any reason. He will not be allowed to attend school…”

(Um. I…guess we’ll have to find someone to watch him while we’re at work.)

“…And he must remain under his parent’s supervision at all times: no babysitters, no friends, no relatives. Only his parents can watch him. So ordered. {gavel slams}”

(Wait… that means we are basically under house arrest as well. Oh Shit!!)

Three Weeks

2009-08-29T06:58:00.000-07:00

It’s been three weeks since the judge placed Lucas in an acute diagnostic center.

We dropped him off at the facility located about 2 hours from our home. We got a tour of the ‘dorm’ where he will be living for the next 45 days, met the staff, went over the rules, and saw his room. Unlike most residents, Lucas would not have a roommate.

It felt a lot like most people feel when they drop their child off at college. It was a combination of nervousness for him (how well will he adapt, what scary things will he learn) and a bit of excitement for us (we can have a life again). All while knowing this is probably a good next step for our child.

And like many college students, Lucas couldn’t wait for us to leave so he could explore his new surroundings on his own. There were no tears. We had to practically force a hug goodbye from him.

On the ride home we went out to dinner, just the two of us, something we’ve been able to do only a few times in the last 6 years. It felt good. It felt normal. We had normal lives again.

We spent a long weekend in New York City, something we’ve wanted to do for quite a while but never had the opportunity. We went to see Avenue Q, a show we knew was not appropriate for Lucas. When the song “The Internet is for Porn” started, we looked at each other and laughed hysterically. For the rest of the day, Lucas’s new name was ‘Trekkie Monster’. We had fun.

Earlier this week we went to visit my parents. They couldn’t get over the difference they saw in us. We were relaxed. We were social. We were happy.

And yet we worry about what will happen at the end of the 45 days. He’ll probably come back home to us. What will he have learned form his ‘new friends’. Friends from the city. Friends who were in gangs. Friends who will teach him lots of things he would have trouble learning way out here in the country. How much more dangerous will he be when he returns?

We call him twice each week, and we visit once each week, but the conversations are forced. He’d rather be with the other kids than talking to us. He likes it there.

Today we leave for a week-long vacation to the beach. This is a vacation the three of us take every year just before school starts. It’s hard to imagine what it will be like this year without him. What will we do?

We miss him.

It’s been three weeks since the judge placed Lucas in an acute diagnostic center.

He hasn’t called home once.

Finally, an accurate assessment!!!

2009-07-03T03:58:00.000-07:00

It took two years of hand-holding, but I think "the system" finally understands what it is dealing with. We feel that someone is finally listening. Below is the latest report from the court-appointed evaluator.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

To Whom It May Concern,

I initially completed a sex offender evaluation on Lucas after he was charged for breaking into his neighbor’s home, searched through the neighbor’s lingerie, and took a picture of his erection with her digital camera. Sexual specific treatment was recommended at that time to also include addressing his symptoms of Reaction Attachment Disorder (avoidance and resistance of parental comfort and attachment) and Oppositional Defiant Disorder (a pattern of negative, hostile, and defiant behavior). He also displays characteristics of Conduct Disorder which is a persistent pattern of violating the rules and rights of society and others.

His dynamic risk factors placed him at a moderate to high risk for sexual re-offending. They include:
(1) Deviant sexual interests
(2) Obsessive sexual interests/Preoccupation with sexual thoughts
(3) Attitudes supportive of sexual offending
(4) Unwillingness to alter deviant sexual interests or attitudes
(5) Antisocial interpersonal orientation
(6) Lack of intimate peer relationships
(7) Negative peer associations and influences
(8) Problematic parent-offender relationships

Lucas returned to my office recently in order to be assessed again after he carved holes in his stuffed animals’ genital areas and his mattress for the purpose of masturbating, inserted a plunger handle and mini baseball bat into his anus which caused bleeding, downloaded $128 of Pay-Per-View pornography, and created holes in his bedroom wall in order to peep on his babysitter in the bathroom. His risk for re-offending is very high at this point in time.

Past negative behaviors have included habitual lying, threats, destruction of his own personal items, accepting Motrin from a friend when he thought they were steroids, stealing, convincing friends to store stolen items for him, and breaking and entering a neighbor’s home 3 times. He has persistently failed to learn from mistakes and punishments.

I reviewed the Hare Psychopathy for Adolescents (PCL:YV), a 20-item assessment tool used in the mental health and criminal justice systems to assess the traditional construct of Psychopathy. Psychopathy can be viewed as a personality disorder characterized by a constellation of traits including poor behavioral controls, irresponsibility, callousness, remorselessness, failure to form close emotional bonds, low anxiety proneness, and externalization of blame. The psychopathic personality is correlated with antisocial behavior and persistent criminality. Psychopathy can be defined as chronic immoral and antisocial behaviors and the presence of Psychopathy increases the risk associated with violent recidivism.

Lucas attained a score of 38.9 out of a possible 40 points. Research has not yet established cut-off scores for adolescent psychopathy so there is no indication that scores above a certain cut score will continue to score high on adult measures of future criminality and violent offending when the client is over the age of 18. Lucas’s score falls in the extremely high scoring group.

Antisocial Personality Disorder is basically the failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors and a lack of remorse at hurting or mistreating others. Early intervention may modify this pathway but there is currently no proven therapy or medication that has been considered helpful. He was placed on Abilify that decreased his impulsivity: however, it unfortunately allowed him to have more concentration to be a “better” criminal so it was discontinued. Some professionals feel that “talk therapy” and teaching psychopaths things such as victim empathy only helps them to be “better psychopaths” because they learn additional information to manipulate others.

Lucas shows little to no remorse or empathy for negative behaviors and often manipulates others for his personal gain. He lives selfishly in the “here and now” with no regard for future consequences. He waits for opportunities to act out and takes advantage of them when the time is right. There are no punishments or rewards that appear to have long-lasting effects on his negative and dangerous thinking and behaviors. This information may be useful in identifying his problem areas, planning treatment strategies, developing management strategies, and aiding the assessment of risk for future antisocial and criminal acts. This is especially so when it is already known that his manipulative charm often serves to fool observers and he may be unable to form a genuine alliance with any therapist.

Lucas has expressed desire to be sent to a program in order to escape the strict rules his parents enforce. His parents have resorted to keeping a 24/7 watch on him. For the safety of the community he is not permitted to leave his home independently except for going to school. His parents have installed security cameras, motion detectors, and door & window alarms in the home. They express fear toward their own son and have a keypad lock on their bedroom door. He most likely has not acted out more often, solely because of his parents’ dedication and commitment in preventing such opportunities.

Recommendations
At this point in time, I am recommending that Lucas be placed in an acute diagnostic center. This intensive short-term program (approximately 45 days) will provide a more comprehensive investigative and problem-solving evaluation. Early identification of those youth likely to be repeat violent offenders has important protective implications for society. Attempts to identify the psychopath in childhood or adolescence may improve treatment providers’ ability to treat the disorder early in its development before personality styles become increasingly solidified. The center will offer him a safe, nurturing, protective environment while providing observations for a comprehensive evaluation and individualized recommendations for post-diagnostic therapeutic direction. It is a great concern that the most stable environment has been in this family home where he lives like an isolated prisoner, however, any other less-restrictive options at this point in time serve to put society at risk from this young man.

If you have any questions or need anything else for your records please feel free to contact me.

Sincerely,

{name withheld}

The moral dilemma

2009-04-28T06:37:00.000-07:00

I’m asking for your help.

Lucas is on lockdown imposed by us. He is not allowed outside the house unless escorted by one of us. School is the ONLY exception. Inside the house he is not allowed to watch TV, play video games, or listen to the radio. Most of his toys have been confiscated. And we don’t play with him.

He spends most days sitting in his room reading or staring at the ceiling. Every once-in-a-while he mentions that he is bored, but otherwise he is quite happy with this arrangement.

We have been in full lockdown for 8 months now. As I’ve mentioned before we maintain this lockdown because only under these conditions is he mostly well-behaved. Any little bit of freedom we give him causes him to noticeably act out.

For example last Friday I took him to see a movie. The next day he drilled little spy-holes in the bathroom wall. These two events are related. He would not have felt the freedom to do this if I hadn’t taken him to the movie the day before. I have seen this pattern over and over with him.

I know in my heart with 100% certainty that Lucas will make a poor choice if he is given any leeway. I fear the day when he is 15 or 16 and he gets out from under our control and seriously hurts someone physically. He needs to live in a place where he can’t do that: where he can’t get out and hurt someone. And that place is not our home. We are simply not equipped to maintain control forever.

Summer is coming.

A number of Lucas’s therapists are asking us what we will do with him over summer. Will he be allowed outside? Will he participate in sports or camps? Will he be allowed to do anything more than he is doing right now? Or will he remain under full lockdown?

So I’m asking you. What should we do? Should we protect our friends and neighbors and maintain full lockdown with only TV and radio privileges? Or should we give him some freedom, allow him outside, sign him up for sports, send him to daycamp at the local YMCA?

If we give him some freedom, we will be knowingly exposing others to a danger that they cannot comprehend. That seems morally wrong to me.

And yet we know that if he is not allowed out now, he will get out at age 15 or 16 and really do some damage. That seems even more morally wrong to me.

So do we use the fact that he is on probation to our advantage? I know how horrible this sounds, but do we set him up for failure? Do we allow him access to the unsuspecting world, and then sit back and wait for him to screw up and hope it’s enough for the judge to put him in a secure facility? The justification being that we would be choosing the lesser of two evils: something moderately bad now or something really bad later.

I know that many of you will say we should allow him some freedom. Not to set him up for failure, but because he may surprise us and not do anything bad. But before you answer, imagine that you had a 12-year-old daughter. How would you feel if we sent Lucas to her daycamp? To play on her sports team? To run around her neighborhood?

Other than us, there is simply no one else available in our area who can watch him as closely as he needs to be watched.

What should we do?

April Update

2009-04-27T14:37:00.000-07:00

Over Christmas break Lucas had a significant violation of his probation involving theft and pornography. He appeared before the judge in mid-January (right around the time of my last post). She put a good scare in him, threatening to send him to the juvenile detention center for the weekend. What she actually did is place him on “intensive probation”, which meant he got a slightly tougher probation officer who visited several times each week, both in school and at home.

As a result, from mid-January through late March life with Lucas improved, if only slightly.

Lucas continued working with his therapist who comes to our house every week and spends two hours working on his “thinking errors”. We like this therapist only because unlike the 7 or 8 that came before, this one seems to understand the problem and seems to sympathize with us.

That is at least something. When you are going through a process that you pretty much realize is futile, it helps to be working with someone who understands why you feel that way, rather than, in some subtle ways, blaming you for not "caring more".

This mobile-therapist works in conjunction with Lucas’s psychiatrist (who he sees every month) and Lucas’s psychologist (who he sees every three months for evaluation). In addition to these three, we also had a behavior specialist and another therapist who specialized in sexual offenders. We had to drop these last two because we found that seeing 5 different support specialists at the same time, plus a probation officer (several times per week), plus regular meetings with the school guidance counselor, plus regular visits with the judge, became overwhelming. Lucas was rarely in class and we were rarely at work. Having both of our bosses upset with us for missing so much time only added to the significant stress we had at home.

So the slight improvement in Lucas’s behavior was a welcome change. Of course that didn't last.

About two months ago Lucas’s therapist team finally convinced us to try medication. My wife and I knew full-well that medication would have no positive effect. We feared that giving him something that would “help him think better” would only make him a better criminal. Lucas’s team felt that with a kid like Lucas, you “have to throw everything you’ve got at him.” To make them happy, we gave in.

Lucas started on a low dose of Abilify, just to see if he could tolerate it. We saw no change. They then increased his dosage to the normal amount. At this point we started to notice an increase in lying and sneaking things. Now, a month after the start of the full dosage, we can report the following…

1) Lucas cut a hole in another stuffed animal and used it to masturbate.

2) Lucas used the handle of a plunger to experiment with anal sex on himself. He them smeared the blood from this experiment on the bathroom wall.

3) Lucas poked several holes through the shared wall between his bedroom and our guest bathroom so that he could spy on his babysitter.

It is this third one that we are now dealing with. Lucas will have to confess this to the judge the next time he goes to court. We don’t know what the judge’s reaction will be.

Last week Lucas’s therapist told us that she is amazed. After the nine months of weekly therapy she has given him, after all the approaches we have tried, after medication, and after all the structure and support that we as parents provide him, there is absolutely no sign of improvement in his thinking or behaviors.

She is becoming a believer.

Maybe I should be happy that he actually showed an emotion

2009-01-17T08:14:00.000-08:00

WARNING: Explicit descriptions of upsetting behavior. Not for the faint of heart.

Yesterday morning I walked into Lucas’s room to tell him it was time to go school. I noticed a lot of stuffing, like from a pillow or stuffed animal all over his floor. I asked him where it came from. He said it was stuffing from a stuffed animal. He said he wasn’t sure which one. I told him to find out and give me that animal.

I returned about 10 minutes later and asked for the animal. He said he still wasn’t sure which one. I told him that I knew he was lying. He denied it. I insisted that he really does know which one. He admitted that he did and reluctantly handed over ‘Tiger’ a stuffed Pit Bull, his favorite. I put Tiger upstairs and we left for school.

At about 5pm I picked him up and we talked a bit more about Tiger and the stuffing. I asked him why he was destroying his favorite toy. He insisted he was not destroying it. I explained that obviously he was because while beans will just fall out of a stuffed animal through a little hole, fiberous stuffing will not. It needs to be pulled out. He started to cry (in an angry way) and insisted that whatever he told me I wouldn’t believe, so why say anything. I asked him to tell me his side of the story and he said he could PROVE it to me. He suggested I go get her and see for myself that the hole was big enough that stuffing would just fall out of her.

This was the first time I had heard Lucas refer to Tiger as a ‘her’, and the fact that he emphasized the ‘her’ twice in the conversation struck me as a bit odd.

When we got home I sent Lucas to a corner and went upstairs to examine Tiger. Tiger had a large hole between her hind legs, large enough for stuffing to fall out of, if properly manipulated.

I sat Lucas down and told him that, yes, the whole was big enough for stuffing to fall out. Then I asked him to explain how the hole got there in the first place. He told me that he was angry at us so he took a pencil and some thumb tacks and stuck Tiger several times. After doing this repeatedly, and on several occasions, the hole formed and grew. He also admitted to sticking pencils and thumbtacks into the neck of another of his stuffed animals, because he was angry at us. This fact he had no problem telling me.

I focused on Tiger and asked him why the hole was where it was, why wasn’t the hole in Tiger’s side or in her head? He said that part was just closest. I asked him if he stuck anything else in Tiger. He was silent for a long time. I asked if he stuck his fingers into Tiger. He nodded. I asked if he stuck anything else into Tiger. He started crying and admitted that he stuck his penis into Tiger.

I asked how often he did this. He admitted to doing this once or twice a week for about two months. I asked him again why the hole was located where it was. He finally admitted that he made the hole there because that is where the hole on a girl is.

I understand the sex part. He was acting out things that he has seen. It's the violence that concerns me. Stabbing, ripping, especially in this particular part of the body, all done while angry at us. This is something new.

Then again, maybe I should be happy that he actually showed an emotion.

December Update

2008-12-19T06:54:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to update those who have been following along. I am taking a break from writing for a bit because it's rather time-consuming, and because this such a difficult subject. It's nice to take a break from time to time. I’m also not as motivated to write because lately things have been going relatively well.

For the past few months Lucas’s behavior has been mostly under control. Not perfect, but not overwhelming either. I think that my new understanding and new approaches with him are the reason for much of the change. Not all, but a lot.

I’m also seeing a general maturing in him that I haven’t seen before, which is a good sign.

But the biggest change I’ve noticed is in myself. I am a lot calmer than I was. I’m not nearly as frustrated. I feel more in control of my life.

And most of all, I’m actually happy. I’ve been happy for a while now, which is something I haven’t experienced for a long time. And it comes from finally understanding the problem.

No longer am I surprised by many of Lucas’s behaviors. I can predict them and understand why he is doing them.

No longer am I frustrated by behavior modification methods that don’t work. I have a good idea of the effectiveness of each method before I use it.

No longer am I confused by all the conflicting approaches and advice from family, friends, and therapists. I can tell almost instantly who ‘gets it’ and who doesn’t.

No longer am I overly worried that I’m doing the wrong thing, or that I should be doing more. For the first time in 5 years I’ve found something that actually works. It appears to be working for Lucas, and I know it is working for me.

If anything, I think I actually feel closer to him, because now I understand him. And I think that maybe he is starting to realize that I understand him. It is certainly subtle, and maybe it’s just wishful thinking, but I’m hopeful.

I find myself going back to the “Dexter” reference. Dexter says over and over that his father was the only person who really understood him. He admits to a connection with his dad. Maybe not an attachment, but at least a connection.

That’s a start.

If you can’t treat a psychopath, how do you deal with one?

2008-11-18T04:10:00.000-08:00

“Once you know or suspect what they are, avoid them. Any further contact with a psychopath will be truly damaging.”
-- www.cassiopaea.com

“Whenever you interact with a sociopath, you not only risk yourself, you risk others. If you desire to have a relationship with a known sociopath there is something wrong with you.”
-- Dr. Liane Leedom (http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/01/11/ask-dr-leedom-are-there-psychological-tactics-for-dealing-with-a-psychopath/)

“Cut your losses. Rather than make fruitless attempts to adapt to a hopeless situation – usually by giving in, accepting your lot in life, or losing your self-identity – it may be better to recognize that your emotional and physical survival requires that you take charge of your life.”
--Robert D. Hare, PhD in “Without Conscience”

“If you suspect there is a psychopath causing havoc in your life then you need to avoid them as much as possible.”
-- Mark Tyrrell in No strings on me: Is there a psychopath in your life?

"Psychologists do not usually like to recommend avoidance, but in this case, I make a very deliberate exception."
-- Martha Stout in The Sociopath Next Door

“Of course, if you are the parent of a young psychopath, you cannot simply give up on your child.”
-- Robert D. Hare, PhD in “Without Conscience”

How to treat a psychopath

2008-11-15T05:46:00.000-08:00

“Psychopathy can’t be treated! The disease is incurable.”
-- Simona Nielsen

“Psychopathy is remarkably resistant to therapy.”
-- Jennifer Copley in Personality Disorders

“Psychopathy is seen as a 'personality disorder' and therefore pretty much untreatable.”
-- Mark Tyrrell in No strings on me: Is there a psychopath in your life?

“There are no data indicating that any treatment targeting psychopathy has been effective in reducing anti-social conduct.”
-- Grant T. Harris and Marnie E. Rice for the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health

"...psychopaths do not seem to benefit from support, counseling or therapy and may in fact commit crimes again and sooner because of it."
--Michael G. Conner, Psy.D

“Indeed, many writers on the subject have commented that the shortest chapter in any book on psychopathy should be the one on treatment. A one- sentence conclusion such as, ‘No effective treatment has been found,’ or, ‘Nothing works,’ is the common wrap-up to scholarly reviews of the literature.”
-- Robert D. Hare, PhD in Without Conscience

Put them together

2008-11-13T17:33:00.001-08:00

What do you get when you have a child who was neglected in infancy and therefore can’t attach to his caregiver (RAD), and who may very well have a neurological attachment impairment (ARND)?

A child who has limited emotions (RAD) and lacks the cognitive skills to work-around that problem (ARND)?

A child who naturally has behavior problems (ARND) and doesn’t have the emotional connection to help regulate those problems (RAD)?

A child who lies because their brain has difficulty retrieving the truth, so lying is just easier (ARND), and they don’t care enough to try to get the truth out (RAD)?

A child whose brain is damaged both neurologically (ARND) and emotionally (RAD)?

A child whose problems were caused both before birth (ARND) and immediately after birth (RAD), and there is no way to go back and fix them?

A child whose problems have absolutely no scientifically proven treatment or cure and are each considered ‘permanent’ (both ARND and RAD)?

You get a child who simply doesn’t have the ability, either emotionally or logically, to participate in society in a healthy way, and probably never will.

You get a textbook definition of a psychopath.

Differential Diagnosis: Alcohol-Related Neurodevelopmental Disorder (ARND)

2008-11-12T16:53:00.000-08:00

I strongly suspect that Lucas has some form of prenatal alcohol and/or drug exposure. We have no specific record of Lucas’s birth-mother using alcohol while pregnant. We do have record of her being in methadone for a time, which indicates heroin use, but the records do not say if that was while she was pregnant. Given other things we know about his birth-mother it is not a huge leap to assume that she was using at least something while she was pregnant.

Lucas shows none of the physical signs of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Whatever affects the drug/alcohol use had, I’m sure it is much more subtle. The same physical signs don’t seem to exist for children of heroin users. Instead they show problems in different ways.

“…long-range effects of heroin exposure on infant development are not clear-cut, although may be associate with lower IQ, attention and behavioral problems, and insecure-disorganized attachment…” -- Development in Infancy By Michael E. Lamb, Marc H. Bornstein, Douglas M. Teti

Why do we see these effects from alcohol/drug use? According to the CDC, "…brain images of some people with FAS show that certain areas have not developed normally. The images show that certain cells are not in their proper place and tissues have died in some areas."

In researching ARND I came across some great information here. It is interesting that the “Strategies for Parents” that this document offers are almost exactly the ones that we developed completely on our own, before we really started thinking about the causes of Lucas’s behavior. This tells me that our approach towards dealing with these issues has so far been correct. I feel good about that. And if this were the extent of Lucas’s problems, I wouldn’t be writing this blog today.

ARND explains many of Lucas’s behaviors, but it doesn’t explain them all. There is more going on than just ARND.

Differential Diagnosis: Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)

2008-11-11T17:06:00.000-08:00

Lucas has already been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. He has most of the signs of RAD and he certainly has the background that would cause it. I agree with this diagnosis.

So lets look at the treatment for RAD. There are several therapists around the country that claim to offer RAD treatment. They usually involve some method of FORCING the child to attach by using very intensive sessions that are both emotionally and financially draining on the parents. Many of these therapies are controversial and some, like certain forms of holding therapy has been condemned by several professional organizations.

Each therapist has his or her own theory on how to fix the problem. Walter D. Buenning, Ph.D. & Assoc. writes this about his version of attachment.

RAD children are almost always intensely angry children. If therapy is effective it will constructively address the child’s anger. One therapeutic goal is to reduce the child’s anger. When it works, this is a sign of success. Hence, the label Rage Reduction Therapy was fitting. Present attachment therapies, however, address a broader range of emotions, including intense fear and sadness. All attachment therapy of which I am aware has an emphasis on addressing the child’s troubling emotions versus being only a cognitive or behavioral approach.

But Lucas is not angry. He has shown absolutely no anger over his situation. He is not afraid or sad. He has very few and very shallow emotions, rather than the intense ones Buenning describes. So I doubt this approach would be effective.

In fact none of the attachment therapies available have been scientifically proven to work.

No scientifically established treatments exist for RAD. Because it is a relatively new and rare psychiatric disorder, there is very little reliable information regarding the diagnosis and treatment of RAD.
- Illinois Department of Children & Family Services - http://dcfswebresource.prairienet.org/resources/

Attachment therapy is an expensive, exhausting, frustrating, and most importantly unproven method of dealing with RAD. For these reasons I hesitate to use this approach.

Maybe I wouldn’t be as hesitant if RAD was Lucas’s only problem, but it’s not. RAD explains many of Lucas’s behaviors, but it doesn’t explain them all. There is more going on than just RAD.

Keeping Score

2008-11-10T16:06:00.000-08:00

I’m not a doctor. I have no formal training in the workings of the human mind but I do have a strong science background. I am a rather intelligent individual who is good at understanding and interpreting many different things. And more importantly, I am Lucas’s father. I know my son better than anyone. I am also the one who will be working with him the closest. I would never attempt a diagnosis like this on anyone else. But when it comes to this particular case, I feel I am qualified.

On the PCL and the PCL-YV, a score of 0-2 is given for each of 20 characteristics (See previous description) The maximum score is a 40. Someone receiving a score of 30 or above is considered to be a psychopath. My assessment of Lucas comes up as a 35.

35. That’s not slightly psychopathic, or barely psychopathic. It’s not a borderline score. A 35 means that even if I over-scored as many as 5 of the characteristics, he still qualifies.

Lucas is a Psychopath.

This doesn’t mean he doesn’t have other issues as well; he certainly does. But none of them can be easily quantified like this. The PCL is not touchy-feely mumbo-jumbo that looks at things that may or may not have happened in the past. It is measure of actual behavior and a scientifically proven predictor of future behavior. And it is Lucas’s behavior that most concerns me.

This is important! This is good information! Yeah, the answer is bad, but the information is good. I finally have an answer.

Characteristic 20: CRIMINAL VERSATILITY

2008-11-09T07:54:00.000-08:00

A diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes.

Lucas does not specialize in one or two types of misbehaviors. He’s good at many of them. His list already includes lying, stealing, cheating, breaking & entering, harassment, sexual assault, destruction of property, and destroying evidence. As I already listed in my predictions of his coming behaviors, they include rape, assault, burglary, weapons charges, drug dealing, and potentially murder.

The versatility comes from simply not being afraid of consequences. Someone who is afraid of punishment may still stumble upon a crime or two that they realize they can actually get away with. They then have to decide whether or not their morals allow them to commit this crime.

Lucas is not afraid to try anything. Sure he’ll be cautious, but if he thinks there’s something in it for him, he’s game. And since he has no morals, there isn’t anything he won’t do. This lack of fear and lack of morals together lead Lucas to attempt many different misbehaviors and crimes. His immunity to punishment means he can do these behaviors over and over again, getting better at them each time.

The word ‘pride’ in the above description does bother me a bit. Remember Lucas’s emotions are very shallow and pride is not an emotion I’ve seen Lucas display very often.

Lucas does not brag, at least to us, about his crimes but I strongly suspect he does enjoy getting one past us. He has admitted that he thinks he is smarter than us and thinks that we can’t possibly find out about all his misbehaviors. So whenever he does get away with something, it only reinforces this feeling. Is that pride, or is that ‘grandiose self-worth’, I’m not sure.

For versatility, on the scale from 0-2, I give Lucas a 2.

Characteristic 19: REVOCATION OF CONDITION RELEASE

2008-11-07T15:55:00.000-08:00

A revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.

The Youth Version looks at “serious violations of conditional release”.

Lucas is only now entering his first probation so this measure will also be more a prediction than it would be for older, more experienced people.

I think what Lucas will do will depend less on the judge telling him to behave or threatening him to behave, and more on the strictness of the monitoring system they will use.

Remember Lucas will do what he wants if he thinks he can get away with it, not because it is right, or because he might be punished. So if the judge simply tells him to behave, he won’t. If the judge gives him an ankle monitoring system that alarms when he leaves the house between 7pm and 7am, then he will just leave outside of those hours. If the judge allows him to only go to school, then it will be in school where he will misbehave.

I also want to be sure not to confuse our actions with those of Lucas. Lucas won’t have technical violations of his probation simply because we won’t allow it. When his probation officer calls, Lucas WILL be here to answer. Lucas WON’T leave any designated perimeter because we are here to stop him. Lucas WILL show up for all court appearances because he will take him.

Right now Lucas is behaving relatively well, but this is because we are watching him so closely and limiting his opportunities for misbehavior so much that he doesn’t have many chances to test the system. And this is even before his official probation begins. I don’t think he will see a difference between life now and life after probation starts.

As long as we continue to stay on top of him and severely limit his activities he may just make it through.

But what would he do if we weren’t as strict? What would he do on his own? I think the answer to that is obvious. He will break continue to misbehave despite being on probation.

For this reason, on the scale from 0-2, I give Lucas a 2.

Characteristic 18: MANY SHORT-TERM MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS

2008-11-05T17:08:00.000-08:00

A lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

The Youth Version looks for “unstable interpersonal relationships”

I gave this checklist to my wife to fill out. I wanted to see if she was picking up on the same things I was. She gave Lucas a 0 for this characteristic which surprised me, so I asked her why. She gave him a 0 because his interpersonal relationships are so poor that she can’t see him ever being with someone long enough to reach the stage of marriage. Therefore he wouldn’t have any marital relationships.

I explained that I think this just proves the characteristic even more.

Lucas doesn’t have any close friends. Lucas is best friends with whoever he is playing with at the moment.

Lucas has had several ‘girlfriends’, but they each have broken up with him after a few days or weeks. This does not appear to bother Lucas at all. His therapist even commented on how strange it was that each time a girl breaks up with him, Lucas doesn’t seem to care. He’s not just hiding his feelings, trying to be macho. He really doesn’t care. He says there are plenty of other girls who want to go out with him. This may sound like a very mature and enlightened attitude, but with Lucas it is anything but. It is the attitude of someone who simply doesn’t care about other people and who has such a high opinion of himself, he thinks there will be an infinite supply of girls for him to choose from.

Lucas is the stereotypical ‘bad boy’ that many girls find appealing. He is good-looking, charming, confident, and acts like he doesn’t care. He will easily be able to ‘get’ a girl. But he simply doesn’t have the ability to ‘keep’ her.

Despite what my wife says, on the scale from 0-2, I give Lucas a 2.

Characteristic 17: FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS

2008-11-01T21:36:00.000-07:00

A failure to accept responsibility for one's actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

Whenever we ask Lucas why he did something his answer always starts with what someone else was doing, and always ends with how he therefore had no choice but do what he did.

The most recent example, but certainly not the only example, of this occurred just yesterday when Lucas got in trouble in school for talking during a test. Our conversation afterward went like this…

Us: “Why were you talking during the test?”

Lucas: “Shannon turned around and talked to me first.”

Us: “We don’t care what Shannon did. Why did YOU talk?”

Lucas: “Because she talked to me first.”

Us: “What are the rules?”

Lucas: “No talking during the test.”

Us: “And what did you do?”

Lucas: “I talked during the test.”

Us: “What could you have done?”

Lucas: [pause] “Not talk?”

Us: “Right. So do you see why you got in trouble?”

Lucas: “But she talked to me first!”

He uses the same line of reasoning to excuse the big things as well. Why did he break into our neighbor’s house? “Because Howard always says he has a cell phone and a Nintendo Wii and I know he lies a lot. So I went there to see.”

On the scale from 0-2, I give Lucas a 2.

Characteristic 16: IRRESPONSIBILITY

2008-10-29T14:23:00.000-07:00

Repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

This is another characteristic that could easily be applied to most kids and therefore could easily give a false-positive result when using it on kids. In my opinion for Lucas’s irresponsibility to earn him a 1 or a 2 that irresponsibility would have to be extreme, even for 11 year olds.

As an example, a normal 11-year-old might not bring home his homework 2 or 3 times a marking period. An irresponsible 11-year-old might not bring home his homework 2 or 3 times a month. Lucas won’t bring home his homework as often as 2 or 3 times a week.

A normal 11-year-old might not complete his basic household chores (clearing the dinner table, taking out the garbage, etc) 2 or 3 times in 30 days. An irresponsible 11-year-old might not complete his basic household chores 10 or 15 times in 30 days. Lucas won’t complete his basic household chores 29 out of every 30 days, despite an incentive of earning $1 each day he completes his work.

Lucas came to us with a severe enuresis problem. He would wet the bed each night. Not because he had any physical problem, or because he drank too much water, we tested all these theories. We finally had to accept what he was telling us all along. He wet the bed simply because he did not feel like making the effort to use the bathroom. He would then continue to lie there in a soaking wet bed for the rest of the night.

I consider this level of irresponsibility to be extreme, even for a child. That’s why on the scale from 0-2, I give Lucas a 2.

Characteristic 15: IMPULSIVITY

2008-10-27T17:32:00.001-07:00

The occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

This is the second of two characteristics that I think Hare is close to something but not quite precise enough.

Lucas’s MO has always been “I see it. I want it. I take it.” He takes things without regard for the consequences. And by this broad definition of “doing something without regard for the consequences”, then yes Lucas is very impulsive.

That definition describes ‘what’ he does, but it doesn’t describe ‘why’ or ‘how’ he does it. It is in the ‘why’ and ‘how’ that I think the real insight into Lucas’s behaviors can be found.

It’s not that Lucas doesn’t take the time to think about the consequences. On the contrary. He does take the time to think about them. And then he does the behavior anyway! He had admitted this to me on several occasions.

Lucas’s problem is that he doesn’t really care about the consequences. Consequences are something that happen sometime in the future, and the future isn’t really a big part of his life. He has a very poor concept of what the future is, so its importance in the decision-making process is greatly diminished.

What does factor into Lucas’s decisions much more strongly are the odds that he will actually achieve his goal. Lucas may see it and want it, but he won’t take it until the coast is clear. And that could be hours or even days away. When the opportunity arises, that is when he acts.

Lucas’s behaviors definitely appear to be impulsive to an unknowing observer. And because of this, on the scale from 0-2, I give Lucas a 2. However in reality his behaviors are well premeditated. He thinks about the consequences, he just doesn’t care.

Characteristic 14: LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS

2008-10-26T08:03:00.000-07:00

An inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

When asked, Lucas says he wants to be either a veterinarian, a pizza maker, or own a grocery store. However he can’t tell you what it would take to achieve these goals. He can’t even tell you that doing well in school is important for some of these fields. This is probably a bit below average for most 11-year-olds, but probably not extreme. After all, at age 11, what does anyone really understand about long-term goals.

So as a substitute I’ll look at short-term goals. At age 11, almost all kids have a good concept of short-term goals. They have enough self-awareness to know what they can and can’t accomplish in the next hour, or day, or even week. Lucas does not.

If while playing basketball you ask Lucas how many shots in a row he thinks he could make, he will eagerly answer 50, even though he knows is record is making only half the shots he takes.

If you ask Lucas what he thinks he will get on the Social Studies test tomorrow, he will answer, “Like a 90”. He comes home the next day with a 54.

Our neighbor, the one whose house he broke into, was trying to encourage Lucas to behave better. She told him that if he did all his chores every day for the next 50 days, she would give him $50 so he could play football. But for every day he did not complete his chores, he would lose a dollar. Lucas told her he could definitely earn the $50. At the end of the 50 days she asked Lucas how many days did he do all his chores. He had to tell her the truth: only one day.

She tried again, only a week this time. He had a chance to earn 7 dollars. He insisted that he could do more. “I can do 20 days!” She asked if he was sure. “Absolutely. I can do it.” In those 20 days he did all his chores on only two days.

Over the summer Lucas and I were having a lighthearted conversation about school. I made a comment that if he got straight ‘A’s on his first report card, I would give him $500. I said this knowing full well that I was safe. When he asked if I would really do that, I thought about it for a moment and realized that, yes, him earning straight ‘A’s would be worth $500. So I told him that I was serious. I then told him that even if he got one or two ‘B’s, I would still pay up.

For the rest of the summer that was all he would talk about. He was SURE that he was going to get $500. No matter how much we tried to lower his expectations, he wouldn’t listen. Today, even though he has brought home tests with 57s and 65s I think he still thinks he will get ‘A’s and ‘B’s.

On the scale from 0-2, I definitely give Lucas a 2 because I don’t see this changing anytime soon.

Characteristic 13: JUVENILE DELINQUENCY

2008-10-25T18:19:00.000-07:00

Behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

The Youth Version looks at “serious criminal behavior”.

This one is only slightly difficult to assess because of the age-range given. Lucas is still only 11 years old.

What I think they are looking for here is a continuation of the pattern established in characteristic 12, only taken to the next level. In other words, things are getting worse, not better.

In Lucas’s case, things are getting worse. That happened when he broke into our neighbor’s house and did what he did while he was in there. This certainly fits the “serious criminal behavior” that the Youth Version is looking at. And since Lucas is likely to be adjudicated delinquent when he goes back to court next month, the title “juvenile delinquency” certainly fits.

Since he is already delinquent even before age 13, and since I don’t see these behaviors improving when he becomes a teenager, on the scale from 0-2, I give Lucas a 2.

Characteristic 12: EARLY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS

2008-10-24T15:21:00.001-07:00

A variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.

This one is easy. Obviously Lucas has had early behavior problems. I’ve described many of them already.

He has not done all of the examples above, specifically he has no history of fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home, for which we are grateful. But he has done the first 6 many times. And he is only 11. I think that counts.

On the scale from 0-2, I give Lucas a 2.

Characteristic 11: PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR

2008-10-23T12:16:00.000-07:00

A variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

The Youth Version looks at ‘impersonal sexual behavior’.

OK, Lucas is only 11 so scoring this one will definitely be based on a prediction of his future behavior, rather than measuring how often these things have already occurred. It has only been about 9 months or so since Lucas first started to demonstrate any interest in sex. However I think I can make a fairly accurate prediction given some of the other behaviors I have already seen regarding sex.

His past behaviors include surfing hard-core porn several times on the Internet. The search words he used in Google weren’t age-appropriate things like ‘boobs’ or ‘naked’. He searched for things like “men forcing women to have sex”.

He looked through our neighbor’s underwear drawer and became aroused.

He repeatedly grabbed a girl’s bottom even though she told him to stop many times.

This combined with the fact that he simply doesn’t attach to, or even care about other people certainly shows there is a very good chance of him partaking in promiscuous sexual behavior.

On the scale from 0-2, I predict Lucas will be a 2.

Characteristic 10: POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS

2008-10-22T15:02:00.000-07:00

Expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

The Youth Version refers to this as “Poor anger control”.

This one is more difficult to quantify in Lucas. Lucas is certainly irritable. He does get annoyed easily. And he does not know how to express his anger. However Lucas doesn’t ‘act out’ when he is upset. Instead he shuts down. Almost completely. It’s weird. One minute he is going along fine and the next minute something annoys him and it’s like he’s not even there.

This is not quite a multiple personality, at least the way it is portrayed in the media. It’s not like there is another personality that takes over in stressful situations. However it is like there is simply no one there at all. It’s almost like he enters a catatonic state. These periods of shut-down last only a few minutes and then he is back to doing whatever he was doing before, as if nothing happened.

This has to be Lucas’s one saving grace. For if he did act out every time he got upset, things would be a whole lot worse than they are. As weird as it sounds, we are extremely thankful that he does simply shut down.

The instigators (irritability, annoyance, impatience) are certainly present, and the reacting in an extreme way is also present. But the difference is the direction of that reaction. Instead of threats, aggression, and verbal abuse, it is the opposite, which is nothing.

I strongly suspect that in most psychopaths, aggression is a learned method of dealing with anger. Aggression is a very easy method to learn. However for some reason Lucas learned a different method of dealing with anger. I think it is just as severe, but certainly not as noticeable.

Lucas definitely has something here, but I’m really not sure how to score it on the scale from 0-2. On the sensitivity side it is severe enough that I think it warrants a 2. But on the reaction side the direction of that reaction is not as described and therefore warrants a 0. I will play it safe and give Lucas the average: a 1.

9: PARASITIC LIFESTYLE or PARASITIC ORIENTATION

2008-10-21T14:01:00.000-07:00

An intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

I think the key to this one is the ‘lack of motivation’. All the other factors lead back to a simple lack of motivation to do anything.

Sure, all kids at some time show a strong lack of motivation, so for this characteristic to hold for a child, the case must be extreme and it must be constant. This is exactly the case with Lucas.

Lucas simply doesn’t care to do anything related to work or helping. He will do it if told, but it will never be his idea. He will never surprise us by doing something positive or helpful on his own. I know 4-year-olds who will occasionally do something like put a toy away or ask to help with a chore, just to feel good about themselves. But in my 5 years of knowing Lucas, I have never seen him do such things.

The ‘parasitic’ part comes from the fact that since he will do absolutely nothing for himself, someone else must. This is an amazingly accurate description of how Lucas lives. He feels absolutely no responsibility for himself or for others. He has no desire to improve his life. He has no interest in earning respect. He has no interest in money. He is quite content living off whatever is given to him.

Sure, he says he wants this or that, but he lacks any kind of motivation to achieve what he wants. This lack of motivation shows in his unwillingness to do simple household chores like taking the garbage out to the curb.

We have found that ANY positive rewards system, any positive behavior modification system, will work exactly once.

To prove this last year we did an experiment. We offered Lucas $20 for taking out the garbage each week. Twenty dollars for five minutes of work, an extreme amount, just to see of our instinct was accurate. He seemed excited by the prospect of all that money and the first week eagerly took the garbage out. We immediately paid him the $20 he had earned.

The following week I ended up taking the garbage out. Even though the $20 offer was still in effect, Lucas had no interest. It simply wasn’t worth it him to do something he didn’t want to do. We could have raised the offer to $100, or $1000 and it wouldn’t have mattered.

Here’s what I think is going on. In a positive behavior modification system Lucas does what is asked of him once, just to see if the reward ends up having any meaning to him. It’s an experiment on his part. He wants to feel something from the reward. He wants to feel happy, or excited. He wants to feel something. But then the reward comes and he is instantly disappointed. It doesn’t matter how good the reward is, he is incapable of feeling good for long.

We have tried large sums of money. We have tried Pizza parties. We have tried trips to amusement parks. All rewards for simple little things. And they each worked once. After that, he knew that the reward would not bring him the joy he wants, so there is no point in doing the chore again.

He receives food and shelter without lifting a finger. There is an extreme lack of motivation for anything more. And we do not see this changing in him soon, if ever.

On the scale from 0-2, I give Lucas a 2.

Characteristic 8: LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT

2008-10-20T16:06:00.000-07:00

A lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one's victims.

I’m not sure what to make of the ‘disdain’ part of this one. Lucas has never really shown disdain for his victims. I see ‘disdain’ as a feeling, an emotion, and Lucas barely feels those.

Instead Lucas shows no feelings for his victims at all. It’s like their feelings are completely irrelevant. Since Lucas doesn’t feel the emotion, there is simply no way he can understand how they might feel. He assumes that they feel the same that he does. He assumes they feel nothing.

He has admitted to therapists that if someone stole from him, it wouldn’t really bother him. He can’t understand why people make such a big deal about it. And since he wouldn’t feel bad if someone did something hurtful to him, he sees no reason to feel bad when he does something hurtful towards others.

Lucas has never said he was sorry unless prompted. The conversation predictably goes like this…

Us: “Lucas, is there anything you want to say to __(victim)___?”

Lucas: “I’m sorry for __(fill in the blank)___

Victim: “Do you understand what ‘sorry’ means?”

Lucas: “It means I’ll never do it again.”

Victim: “Is that true? You really won’t ever do it again?”

Lucas usually shrugs his shoulders or mumbles, “I don’t know.”

Victim: “What do you mean you don’t know?”

Lucas: “Well, I might do it again.”

At this point the exasperated victim looks at us. All we can do is shrug as if to say, “Now do you see what we are dealing with?” Then we get the look from them that says, “I feel so sorry for you.”

Once Lucas is gone from the room we talk with them a little bit. We apologize and try to make things right. We assure them that we will do our best to keep this from happening again but we also admit that we can’t watch over him 24/7.

They leave sadder, but more aware. Hopefully they won’t be victims next time.

On the scale from 0-2, I give Lucas a 2.

Characteristic 7: CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY

2008-10-18T09:10:00.000-07:00

A lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

I think this is simply an extension of characteristic 6: shallow affect.

For all practical purposes Lucas is not able to feel emotions, or if he is, they don’t register with him. Either way the result is the same: He doesn’t understand how emotions feel.

Since he has no understanding of what emotions feel like in himself, he can’t possibly understand how they feel in someone else. He naturally assumes that everyone is like him and that emotions don’t really matter much, if at all. No matter how much he is told that his actions make people feel bad, he can’t possibly understand what that means.

It is only logical then, that someone who can’t feel emotions himself would not be empathetic to emotions in others. Lucas is not callous just to be mean, he truly doesn’t know the difference.

Recently a therapist asked Lucas how he would feel if someone broke into his room and took some of his toys. Lucas replied that it would be OK. After some more questioning, Lucas clarified and said that it wouldn’t be OK if they took something he really liked, but if he only liked it a little bit, than it would be no big deal if someone stole it. He then admitted that this was why he stole the PSP video game. He said “Scott didn’t seem to like it a whole lot.”

A few weeks ago my wife was driving Lucas into town when a baby deer jumped into the road. My wife was not able to stop in time and she hit the deer, hurting it but not killing it. She could hear it screaming as she drove past. This upset her greatly and she immediately called me, in tears. After our conversation, she noticed that Lucas hadn’t said anything. She asked him what he thought about what had just happened. Lucas saw the deer get hit. He heard it screaming. He saw my wife crying. He heard the anguish in her voice as she talked to me. And his response to her was a completely unemotional “Do you think it will still be there when we come back?”

On the scale from 0-2, I give Lucas a 2.

Side Note: Emotional Therapy

2008-10-16T16:15:00.000-07:00

I want to take a break from the list of characteristics to briefly discuss this ‘lack of emotion’ and the therapies that have been tried.

For all practical purposes Lucas doesn’t feel emotions. Therefore he doesn’t understand them. How could he? Just as someone born without sight can’t understand the color blue, Lucas can’t understand feelings. And just as you can’t teach ‘blue’ to someone without sight, you can’t teach ‘love’ to someone without emotion.

I would go so far as to say it is cruel to try and force someone to learn something they are simply incapable of learning. Which is why I disagree with the approaches many of Lucas’s therapists have taken.

Imagine a ‘physical’ therapist working with a blind child. The therapist discusses what colors are and how some colors work together and some don’t. The therapist asks over and over again, “What color is the grass? What color is the sky?” Eventually the blind child guesses correctly and receives praise from the therapist. The next time the therapist asks, the child immediately gives the right answer. “Amazing!” exclaims the therapist. “I have cured his blindness.”

This is exactly the flaw we have seen with the approach used by several of Lucas’s therapists. They will talk about feelings and ask him how he feels about this or that. He soon learns what they want to hear. After some time with each therapist, he is able to give the ‘correct’ answers. The therapist reports to us how much he is improving and how much hope there is for him.

Of course it is about this time when Lucas does something extreme and the therapist is surprised by what Lucas has done. After all, how could a child who understands emotions as well as Lucas does, possibly do something like this? We even had one therapist tell us, “Wow! I truly didn’t see THIS coming.”

Of course we saw THIS coming a long time ago. We tried numerous times to explain that THIS was coming. But Lucas was so good at faking his feelings; the therapists thought we were simply exaggerating.

Our current therapist is someone who works every day in the juvenile detention system. She has seen many children just like Lucas. We’ve only had two sessions with her, but it seems right off the bat that she ‘gets it’. From day-1 she wouldn’t take any of Lucas’s fake answers. She saw through them. It will be interesting to see how she works out.

Next post: back to the list of characteristics.

Characteristic 6: SHALLOW AFFECT

2008-10-15T17:12:00.000-07:00

Emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

‘Subtle’ is the best word I can come up with to describe Lucas’s emotions. Lucas does feel emotions, but he is only barely aware of them.

After talking with Lucas for a while you get the impression that he feels only two emotions: happy and mad. I would say however that he is capable of feeling most emotions, but only a little bit. So shallow are the emotions themselves that the differences between similar emotions are imperceptible to him.

Lucas can feel contentment, excitement, relief, and joy, but to him they are all ‘happy’. Lucas can feel jealousy, rage, disgust, disappointment, and nervous, but to him they are all ‘mad’.

He will sometimes tell his therapist that he is feeling jealous, or shy or excited but we now know that these are memorized answers and not reflecting any personal insight into his actual feelings. This memorization happened because at this point he has had so many people ask him how he feels at different times, that he has learned which responses result in an approving reaction from the person asking the question.

One day, in front of his therapist, we asked him which was he more ‘upset’ about, losing his birth family and then his two foster families, or not being able to have dessert last night. He thought about it for a bit and shrugged his shoulders. With our assurance that any answer was OK, he finally admitted that they were both about the same.

Lucas’s emotions also don’t appear to last very long. On the rare occasion that we do see an emotion from him, it is fleeting. He can be crying over having all his toys taken away or furious that his girlfriend dumped him, only to be laughing and joking literally two minutes later, the old emotion gone as if it never exited in the first place.

Lucas does not know what love is. In my 5 years with him I have never seen him do something for someone else solely for the purpose of making them happy. I have never seen him sacrifice anything for someone else. I have never seen him show real compassion towards someone who was hurting.

I have seen him try to mimic these things. I’ve seen him give his toys to younger neighborhood children, but they were always toys he was about to throw away anyway. He has offered me some of his French fries when we go to McDonalds, but I suspect that is more out of resignation because he knows I will swoop in and take one anyway. When another kid at school saw his family cat get run over, Lucas tried to console him by saying, “Don’t cry. You can always get a new one.” Lucas’s therapist saw this as a positive step. We saw this as just another demonstration that Lucas doesn’t know what it means to attach to something. He thinks that if you lose something, no matter what it is, you can just get a new one.

This ‘faking emotions’ is something we are seeing more and more of. Lucas is aware that other people expect him to react to certain situations with certain emotions. He tries his best to display the expected emotion but often get’s it slightly wrong.

When someone reacts in a slightly wrong way to a situation, it acts as a sign to others that maybe there is something wrong here. I worry that with therapy he won’t learn to feel these emotions, but he will learn how to better mimic them. I worry that therapy will make him better at hiding what is really going on and make others less wary of him.

On the scale from 0-2, I give Lucas a 2.

Characteristic 5: CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS

2008-10-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

The use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one's victims.

It turns out the PSP that Lucas stole from Scott actually belonged to Scott’s older brother.
Lucas got hold of the PSP from Scott simply by asking to borrow it. Scott agreed but explained that it wasn’t his and his brother would hurt him if he didn’t get it back.

The next day Scott asked for it back and Lucas told him he forgot it at home. Scott reminded him how important it was that he gets it back. This went on for a few more days until Scott just gave up and took the fall for ‘losing’ it. Lucas later admitted to us that he had no intention of returning it to Scott.

In another incident we found a bunch of candy wrappers behind our couch. Lucas told us that when his friend Alan was here, Alan took the candy from my candy drawer and hid the wrappers. We asked him what he thought would happen to Alan when we told his parents about this. Lucas said Alan would probably get in a lot of trouble. Of course we knew that Alan had nothing to do with it, but Lucas was perfectly happy letting him take the fall.

Lucas has also blamed a teacher for not sending home a report card and blamed a worker at his afterschool program for not checking his homework properly. In both cases we asked him what he thought would happen to each of these people if their bosses found out they weren’t doing their jobs. Both times he said they might be fired.

Although this type of thing certainly does happen, it doesn’t happen often. I do think that he is capable of doing this more and will likely do so in the future.

On the scale from 0-2, I give Lucas a 1.

Characteristic 4: PATHOLOGICAL LYING

2008-10-13T15:49:00.001-07:00

Can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.

Lucas joined our family with an incredible ability to lie. He could lie about anything and make it sound absolutely believable.

Most of the time he would lie for personal gain, usually to hide something he had done. I’d ask him if he took a cookie. Immediately, without hesitation he would answer, “No”, even with the crumbs falling off the side of his mouth.

The speed at which he could come up with a lie was amazing. He could have an intricate story constructed in just seconds. If any part of that story were questioned, he would have an accompanying story, just as intricate, just as fast.

We found a PSP video game in his room one day. He immediately explained how it belonged his friend Jeff who let him play with it on the bus, but Jeff got off the bus without taking it back so Lucas will give it back to Jeff tomorrow. We called Jeff’s mom, who said, “No. Jeff is playing with his PSP right now.” Lucas then explained how it was actually Jeff’s brother’s PSP, and the Jeff was just holding it for his brother, that’s why he so easily forgot it on the bus. We of course called Jeff’s mom back. “Jeff’s brother is also playing with his right now.” Lucas’s reply, “Well, then Jeff must have borrowed it from his friend Ryan and he left it with me because I will see Ryan first thing tomorrow.” It took two more phone calls to parents for Lucas to finally admit it he stole it from a kid named Scott.

But it wasn’t just big things he would lie about. One day I saw that he left his football in the yard and asked him to go put it away. When he came back in, he said there was no football left out to begin with. I thought maybe he just didn’t see it so I checked. The football wasn’t in the yard anymore. He had put it away, just as I had asked. But he still felt the need to lie about it being not out in the first place.

For us, lying was THE BIG BAD. No matter what else he did, his punishment would be 10 times worse if he lied about it. The punishment for taking a cookie was being told not to do it again. The punishment for lying about it might be losing a favorite toy. Lying always made the punishment much worse. But that didn’t matter to him. It never stopped his lying.

Even when he knew for a fact that we knew the answer, he would still lie. It was very much a habit for him. At one point I simply forbade him from talking to me just to keep him from lying to me. That week he was in a lot less trouble than usual. But he still didn’t learn.

I think the reasons for his lies go back to characteristic #2: grandiose self-worth. He really never thought we’d be able to figure out his cunning ruse.

Fortunately I think we have finally found a punishment for lying that actually works. I’ll explain what it is in detail in a future post. In the meantime we are enjoying this period of truthfulness. (Or his lies have become so good we can’t tell the difference anymore.) Either way, it has been a rather pleasant three months. I hope it stays this way.

On the scale from 0-2, I give Lucas a 2, but I certainly would give him a 3 if I could.

Characteristic 3: NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM

2008-10-10T14:26:00.000-07:00

An excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Psychopaths often have a low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.

This is the first of two characteristics that I think Hare is close to something but not quite precise enough.

While Lucas certainly does prefer a stimulating environment where he can change from activity to activity, I don’t see an absolute need for it. Lucas feels a very shallow level of boredom when he knows there might be something else to do, but he most certainly does NOT feel any deep level of boredom.

One of the worst punishments I was given as a kid was being made to stand with my nose in a corner. The isolation, the boredom, the lack of stimulation drove me crazy. It would only be a few minutes until I was asking my mom to let me out. After more than 10 minutes I would be begging to be let out. The deep boredom drove me to tears.

As a parent I remember how powerful that punishment was and I tried it several times on Lucas. I started small, making him stand there for only a few minutes. I was surprised when I got no reaction from him at all. The next time I tried it for a half hour. He just took it. No squirming, no asking to come out. Nothing. Each time he did something wrong it would get longer and longer. At one point I made Lucas stand with his nose in a corner for 4 hours straight. He did it without any problem at all. The deep boredom that would drive most people crazy didn’t affect him. He just stood there.

Another time I sent him to his room for an entire weekend. All his toys were removed. He basically just sat in there for two days straight. On Sunday night we let him out and asked him how he felt about that punishment. To our shock he said he liked it because, “I didn’t have to do anything.”

I wonder if that ‘boredom’ that Hare and others see might be more accurately described as an ‘aversion to work’. Lucas certainly does not like to work, or do anything that isn’t ‘fun’. Is that ‘stimulation seeking’? I don’t think so, because he would much prefer to just sit and do absolutely nothing, than doing ‘work’ of any kind.

There is definitely something similar to this characteristic in Lucas, but it is not as Hare describes it. Therefore on the scale from 0-2, I have to give Lucas a 0.

Characteristic 2: GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH

2008-10-09T16:43:00.000-07:00

A grossly inflated view of one's abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Psychopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.

Just a few hours ago we had yet another agency worker over to our house. She asked the three of us a bunch of questions that we have already answered for several other agencies.

At one point she tried to assess Lucas’s self esteem. She asked Lucas, “How do you feel about yourself? Do you consider yourself a good person? A bad person?”

Lucas’s answer, “I consider myself a GREAT person!” He said this with a big smile on his face. He wasn’t kidding or joking around. He was being honest. And this answer came only a few minutes after he described what happened when he broke into our neighbor’s house.

A few weeks ago his psychiatrist asked him if he understood why all these services were being provided for him. He said that he didn’t. The psychiatrist asked him if he thought there were any problems that needed to be worked on. Lucas again said no, there is nothing wrong with him.

This is one of the reasons it is so difficult to treat psychopaths. They don’t think there is anything wrong with them, so there is nothing that needs fixing.

Lucas is not overtly cocky or arrogant. I don’t think he’s old enough yet for those traits to appear. He will talk himself up before we play a game of basketball, but no more than any other kid his age would.

The difference is that he is genuinely surprised when he loses. Even after losing over and over again, he won’t realize there is something wrong with his assessment of his abilities. He will still enter the next game convinced that he will win.

This same attitude is part of the problem he has with schoolwork. He truly thinks he knows all the answers and will do great on the test. So why study? He thinks he doesn’t need to.

Whether it’s schoolwork or sports, he won’t study or practice anything. He honestly thinks there is nothing more he could possibly learn.

On the scale from 0-2, I give Lucas a 2.

Characteristic 1: GLIB and SUPERFICIAL CHARM

2008-10-08T17:40:00.000-07:00

The tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Psychopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A psychopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.

The Youth Version alters this slightly to “Impression management”.

Lucas is certainly charming. He tells people what he thinks they want to hear, especially if he thinks he may get something in return. He uses his big brown eyes and his innocent looks to get attention, usually from women.

Lucas likes to be the center of attention. He is good at memorizing lines and actions from what little TV he sees. He then mimics these in humorous, class-clown types of ways.

Lucas can’t follow a conversation if it is not specifically about him. When we sit for dinner and my wife is telling about something that happened at work, Lucas will try to get the conversation back onto him. When he hears her describing someone’s behavior, he will almost always shout out, “Me?” He’s not really following the conversation, but he is hoping the topic will turn back to him.

Lucas is not shy, except when trying to hide his actions. But once he realizes we know he did something, he will describe it in detail. He freely told the police about how he broke into our neighbor’s house, searched through her underwear, found a digital camera, and took a picture of his aroused penis.

As for “Impression management”, when we took Lucas to court for the first time, he said he was nervous. We asked him what he was nervous about. He said he was afraid there would be TV cameras and all his friends would see him. Surprised by his answer we asked if he might be afraid of being taken away in cuffs and shackles (like another boy we saw there). He said no, he wasn’t worried about that. That would be fine as long as his friends didn’t see.

Other than his constantly drawing the conversation back to him, none of these characteristics are extreme. But I would say they are more noticeable in Lucas than they are in other children his age.

On the scale from 0-2, I give Lucas a 1.

The PCL-R and PCL-YV

2008-10-07T16:51:00.001-07:00

The most accurate test for psychopathy available today is the Psychopathy Check List – Revised (PCL-R). This test consists of a list of 20 characteristics of a psychopath. The examiner rates the subject in each of these 20 characteristics by giving them a 0, a 1 or a 2. At the end, the numbers are totaled. Someone receiving a score of 30 or above is considered to be a psychopath.

The PCL-R was created by Robert Hare Ph.D. (the author of the book Without Conscience that I recommended earlier). It is designed for people 18-years-old and older. It looks at things like the quality of the subjects marrages, number and types of arrests, etc. These characteristics don’t really apply to children simply because of their age.

But the need for some testing prompted Hare to develop the Psychopathy Check List – Youth Version (PCL-YV). He altered some of the characteristics to apply more to adolescents. The PCL-YV can be used on children as young as 12. If the subject is younger than that then even this youth version runs into the problem of the subject simply not having enough life experience to assess.

Psychiatrists simply won’t give this test to someone who is 11. And they can’t give the diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder (a condition very similar to psychopathy) to anyone under 18.

As I mentioned earlier I feel it is important to know what is going on with my child. It was relatively easy to find the 20 conditions the test looks for. It was a bit more difficult to find how the test was scored.

The reason: to keep people like me from doing what I’m about to do.

Knowing is Half the Battle

2008-10-05T06:00:00.000-07:00

Knowing is half the battle. But I quickly found out that when you’re trying to pin a name like ‘psychopath’ on an 11-year-old, that battle is a huge one.

As a parent I feel it’s important to know what it is that I’m dealing with.

If my child has asthma, I need to know. I need to understand the disease. I need to know what symptoms to look for so I can catch an asthmatic attack in time. I need to know what triggers the attack so I can help my child avoid those triggers. I need to know so I can administer the correct medicines at the correct time. If I didn’t understand what was going on, I might tell my child to just run harder, it will pass.

If my child has Downs Syndrome, I need to know. I need to understand the disorder. I need to recognize the complications that may occur. I need to help manage the symptoms. I need to adjust my own expectations so that I can help my child cope with the difficulties he may have.

The list goes on and on. Whatever the problem, parents need to know. If they don’t know, how can parents possibly help their children? This is not a controversial idea.

Unless the diagnosis may be ‘psychopath’.

When dealing with an 11-year-old, psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and therapists, all these people who are there to help you, will avoid that word like the plague. They look at you funny if you even bring it up. And they won’t do any testing for it.

What they are essentially saying is that if the diagnosis is ‘psychopath’ no one should know, not even the parent.

There are many good reasons for this. I understand all the arguments.

Labeling someone a psychopath is extremely damaging. That’s a label they will never recover from. And burdening an 11-year-old with that label is just inhuman in some way.
Parents of a psychopath may very well abandon their child in an attempt to protect the rest of their family.
Testing at such a young age is extremely imperfect, mainly because the symptoms of psychopathy so closely resemble the actions and behaviors of perfectly normal kids. It is very easy to get a false-positive result.

And I agree with all of these arguments. But I more strongly agree with their counter-arguments.

If a child truly is a psychopath, he won’t care what you call him. And a young psychopath can do a lot more damage than just labeling someone.
I think it would be really hard for a parent to abandon their child. Most parents would try to help their child. But for those who might abandon them, I could certainly understand it. After all, the advice for anyone involved with an adult psychopath is to simply get as far away from that person as possible. Is it fair, is it morally right, to purposely NOT warn someone of a very real danger?
I admit, for a good number of child-psychopaths testing would be difficult due to unreliable information. But parents usually know their children best. And if a parent is reasonably intelligent and competent, they will know their child really well and be able to assist with the process.

Should a parent decide they want to know, there is a test available.

Psychopathy (A Year of Convincing)

2008-10-04T11:01:00.000-07:00

Lack of remorse. Lack of morality. Lack of conscience. Three descriptions that fit my son.

And when I Googled these terms, the result was ‘Psychopath’.

What? No Way! Lucas may be bad at times but he is no serial killer like Ted Bundy and Charles Manson. Yes, psychopaths may lack remorse, morality, and a conscience but that doesn’t mean they are the same as Lucas. So I quickly dismissed the term

I tried to fine-tune my search. I wasn’t looking for the description of a killer. I was just looking for the description of someone who shows no respect for other people: someone who can’t understand what other people are feeling. Yet the term psychopath kept coming up.

Frustrated that I wasn’t finding what I wanted I would give up. Until the next time Lucas did something that made me think that I really need to understand what is going on in his head. So I’d search some more. Again with the same result. So I reluctantly looked at the description of a psychopath a little closer.

The term psychopath is broader than I expected. I didn’t realize that not all psychopaths are killers. They can be politicians, or used car salesmen, or a host of other ‘normal’ types of people. Most psychopaths blend quite well into society, faking their way through emotional events, hurting the people around them in non-deadly ways. Most people don’t even recognize psychopaths for what they are. One study suggested that 1 in every 100 people are psychopaths, putting their total at about 3 million in the U.S. alone.

Most psychopaths aren’t killers. But they all do manage to hurt the people around them, sometimes physically, often emotionally by breaking their trust. And given this broader definition, I started to see how Lucas might just fit in.

It took a good year or so of research for me to accept this as a possible diagnosis for Lucas. Not heavy-duty research, but reading bits and pieces here and there. At the end of that year I ordered the book “Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of Psychopaths Among Us” by Robert Hare, Ph.D. The more I read, the more convinced I became that this is indeed what I am dealing with in my own house. The descriptions were eerily familiar. By the end of the book, I knew that Lucas was a psychopath.

Reactive Attachment Disorder

2008-10-03T17:25:00.000-07:00

Most children form a close bond, an attachment with their parents very soon after birth. They learn quickly that their parents will take care of them, will meet their basic needs no matter what. This is how they learn to trust and to love.

But if there is neglect when the child is young, or if the child moves from one caregiver to another, they often don’t have these basic needs met. They learn not to trust. They don’t learn what love is. This is an attachment disorder. When they later start acting out, they are reacting to their inability to attach, hence the name Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

Lucas’s birth mom would often leave Lucas alone for hours at a time, and often leave him with friends or family for days or even weeks at a time. At the age of 2 he was sent to live with his birth dad for several months. Lucas moved several more times while in the foster care system. To say he may have an attachment disorder is an understatement.

After living with us for a few years Lucas’s behaviors started getting worse. I looked deeper into RAD to make sure this was indeed what he has, and more importantly, to see what, if any, treatments are available.

Below is the best list of symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder that I have found. This comes from Evergreen Consultants. While I don’t necessarily agree with all of their treatment methods, their description of the problem is accurate and easy to follow.

The Child may have some of the following behaviors/symptoms:

Superficially charming, acts cute to get what he/she wants
Indiscriminately affectionate with unfamiliar adults
Resists genuine affection with primary caregivers, on parental terms (especially mother)
Controlling, bossy, manipulative, defiant, argumentative, demanding
Impulsive, no 'stops' on their behaviors
Fascinated with fire, death, blood, weapons, evil or gore
Cruelty to animals, destruction of property, aggression toward others or self
Destructive, accident-prone
Very concerned about tiny hurts, but brushes off big hurts
Poor eye contact except when lying will look you in the eye with the most innocent eyes
Blames others for their problems
Lacks self-control
'Crazy' lying (about the obvious), steals, shows no remorse, no conscience, defiant
Food issues- hoards or sneaks food, gorges, refuses to eat, eats strange things, hides food
Poor hygiene: wets or soils self
Poor peer relationships
Underachiever
Persistent nonsense questions and incessant chatter
Abnormal speech patterns or language problems
Grandiose sense of self, lacks trust in others to care for him/her

The Parents' may exhibit some of the following symptoms:

Feel helpless, demoralized, emotionally exhausted
Appear angry, frustrated and hostile
Feelings of inadequacy and guilt
May look overly controlling and rigid

These symptoms of RAD seem to fit Lucas even better today than they did when he joined our family 5 years ago. The “parents” part certainly describes us. I fully agree with the many Psychiatrists and Psychologists who have diagnosed Lucas with RAD. He has it. There is no doubt.

Over these past 5 years we have had a chance to get to know Lucas very well. We very often know what he is thinking and why. We have learned how his mind works. We can predict with a high degree of accuracy how he will react to new situations. It seems to us that there is more going on than just not being attached to things. There are more problems than just the symptoms above.

Lucas shows absolutely no remorse for anything he has done. It’s like he doesn't even know what remorse is or how to feel it. It’s like he has no moral code to follow. There is nothing in his mind that slows him down or stops him from doing these things. It is like he has no conscience at all.

No conscience. It seemed a strange concept to me. How could that extremely powerful motivator that very strongly guides my own behavior, simply be missing in someone else? And yet that seemed to be exactly what we were seeing in Lucas.

During my research, these are the symptoms I Googled: lack of remorse, lack of morality, lack of conscience. And I found something that described Lucas even more accurately than RAD did.

Will Lucas turn violent?

2008-10-01T14:16:00.000-07:00

Lucas is not a violent kid in the sense that most people think of violent kids. He does not show anger. He does not show malice.

However Lucas is careless. And careless is a good word for it because he couldn’t care less about things or about people. As a result of him not caring, things happen, and some of those things could be considered violent.

Lucas left his guitar in the middle of his bedroom floor. When he needed to get to the other side of his room, he simply walked on his guitar, breaking it. This wasn’t an accident, nor was it on purpose. The fact that the guitar was in the way simply didn’t matter to him. He knew full well what would happen if he stepped on it. He just didn’t care enough to take the tiny bit of effort to step over or around it.

Lucas treats people the same way.

Several days after Lucas had found some hard-core porn on the Internet, he started grabbing a girl’s bottom in school. He continued even after she asked him to stop. He wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt her; he just didn’t care how she felt about it.

Lucas’s inability to care about things or people, his inability to love things or people is what will lead to violent acts.

One of the big differences between making love to someone and raping them is the empathy you feel for that other person. During love-making, you care about the other person’s feelings and what they want and like. Lucas is unable to do this. In Lucas’s mind (now and in the future) there is simply no difference between making love and rape. He is incapable of understanding the difference. He will become a serial date-rapist simply because he can’t empathize with the other person. He won’t stop when she says “no”. He won’t care how she feels.

Lucas won’t rape out of anger or to be mean. He will rape because he doesn’t care not to.

At some point Lucas will probably try to kill us. Again, not out of anger or malice, but out of convenience. At some point Lucas will get access to a gun. He will have no intention of using it; he will just think it is cool and will like the status it gives him.

One day Lucas will decide he wants a cookie from the cookie jar. He won’t ask for one and he won’t wait for us to leave the kitchen so he can sneak one. He’ll just get his gun, walk into the kitchen, and shoot us. His reasoning will be simple. If we are dead, we can’t stop him from getting a cookie.

No anger. No malice. Just matter of fact. Not caring for our feelings. Not caring about what will happen later.

He will have gotten his cookie and he will be happy.

Detachment

2008-09-30T11:05:00.000-07:00

Another thing that began to happen at age 11 was we began to unattach ourselves from Lucas. We saw the writing on the wall. With no stops on his behavior, it wouldn’t be long until he did something to involve the legal system and not long after that that the courts would decide that he should be placed outside the home (either in a juvenile detention center or some form of residential treatment facility.)

We had expected an incident involving the legal system in about two years, when he reached age 13. Instead it happened in only 6 months, at age 11. This bumped up our timeline for other events.

Lucas has just started 6th grade. As of today September 30, 2008, here is timeline of behaviors I expect Lucas to follow (assuming he stays with us)…

6th grade – suspended for seriously hurting another student in school.
6th grade - sexually assault a fellow student
6th grade – steal a cellphone and/or a portable game system at least once, probably twice.
7th grade – his first violent act towards one of us (hitting, etc)
7th grade – another break-in
7th grade – another sexual assault
7th grade - another major theft
8th grade – his first rape
8th grade – his first serious attempt on our lives (knife, etc)
8th grade - take our car for a joyride
8th or 9th grade – his first gun
9th grade – his second and third rape
9th grade – his first drug possession charge
10th grade – honestly don’t see us being involved in his life at this point.

When rewards and punishments fail, what works?

2008-09-29T03:45:00.000-07:00

When Lucas turned 11 we finally understood and accepted that both rewards and punishments will fail to control his behavior. That realization transformed our lives.

We completely changed our system of parenting. In fact we are no longer “parents” in the normal sense of teaching him right from wrong and helping him learn from his mistakes. That simply wasn’t gong to work.

Instead we are much more like wardens. Lucas is simply not allowed out of our sight without another adult being in direct control. He is not allowed to participate in any after school activities, he is not allowed to play in our yard alone. He is not allowed to leave our property alone. There is no TV, no PlayStation, and no computer without direct supervision.

Most of the time he just sits in his room listening to his radio. Normal kids would be freaking out from this level of control. Lucas seems to thrive in it. As long as he knows we are watching, he is fine. It’s as soon as we are gone that he will take full advantage of the situation.

So we go about living our lives. Not worrying if he is happy or not: because he is. Not trying to engage him: because he won’t. Not playing with him or really interacting with him much at all. Other than keeping watch, we ignore him.

I know it sounds horrible. It sounds like we are the worst parents in the world. I know that parents of normal children simply cannot understand this. But it is the only thing we found that works. And by ‘works’ I mean it is the only thing that keeps him out of trouble and the only thing that keeps us sane.

And although we’ve not met any, I’m sure that there are a few parents of similar children out there who understand exactly what we have done and why we did it.

Totally immune to punishment

2008-09-28T07:21:00.000-07:00

When Lucas did something wrong, we punished him in order to get a reaction from him. A reaction like crying, yelling, apologizing: any reaction at all from him would be a sign that he understood what he did was wrong: that he was making a connection between the behavior and the punishment.

But that wasn’t the case. We would make him sit in his room for days, coming out only to eat and use the bathroom. At the end of one of these punishments we asked him how he felt about it. He answered with a smile on his face, “I liked sitting in my room all day because I didn’t have to do anything.”

Extended punishments weren’t the answer. What’s the point of an extended punishment on a kid with no concept of time?

The other type of punishment is short but severe. These punishments usually start as a good yelling. When that stops inducing a reaction in him, they grow to include flailing arms in a threatening manner, then to spanking, then to beating. We tried the yelling and the flailing of arms in a threatening manner. But we could clearly see that he was just as immune to this type of punishment as he was to the other type. One day, while I was yelling and flailing, seeing the blank stare in his eyes, it became very clear to me that any escalation on my part would be useless. At that moment I knew that I could go so far as breaking his arms and it would have no effect on his behavior.

My wife and I have never hit Lucas. Not that we didn’t want to, we certainly did. But we knew it would do absolutely no good. If anything, he would simply learn from that and do the same to others. (It was him copying us that led to the break-in that eventually involved the police. I’ll cover that in a later post.)

All parents realize at some point that they can no longer punish their children. For most parents that happens sometime around their child’s 16th birthday (give or take a year or so.) But when it happens when the child turns 11, it causes a crisis in the family.

When both rewards and punishments are completely ineffective in controlling a child’s behavior, and a child doesn’t have a conscience to control himself, what’s left to do?

Lacking a concept of space and time

2008-09-27T04:49:00.001-07:00

It’s really weird for me being Lucas’s dad. He is so completely different from me. In fact, academically he is the exact opposite.

Lucas is great at spelling. He can memorize almost anything. I have trouble spelling the word “cat”.

In math, Lucas easily memorized his times tables. I never did learn them. I was good at concepts and understanding the relationship between different things. Lucas struggles in this department.

Lucas can be easily taught the steps used to solve a particular problem. But he has no understanding of why he is doing these steps. He has no general concept of numbers, of space (distances and sizes) or of time.

At 11 years old, Lucas has trouble telling the difference between an inch, a foot, and a mile. I just now picked up a magazine from my desk and asked him how big he thought it was. He stared at it a bit and said he didn’t know. I helped him a bit by asking, “Is it an inch long? Is it a foot long? Is it a mile long?” He still wasn’t sure. I waited for him to think about it a bit and he finally came up with a guess of “76 inches long”.

His concept of time is just as undeveloped. He can’t easily tell the difference between a minute, an hour, a day and a year. He knows to put the popcorn in the microwave for 2 minutes because that’s what the package says. But if the package said put it in for 2 hours, he would happily do so. He would then stand there for the full two hours, waiting for the microwave to beep, completely oblivious of the fact that it is now time for bed.

But it’s worse than that. Lucas has almost no concept of past and future. For him there is only now. Right now he is waiting for the popcorn to pop. He doesn’t know how long he has been waiting or how much longer he will have to wait. He knows that we will be leaving for the store in 5 minutes so he puts in his Transformers DVD, fully expecting to watch the whole thing before we leave.

Now imagine how his inability to conceptualize time affects his decisions. Lucas wants the candy bar he sees on the store shelf. He knows he is not allowed to take it. He knows he will get in trouble if he does. But that trouble will come in the future, not right now. Since “the future” is a vague concept, so is the trouble he will be in. As a result, he takes the candy bar.

Now it’s time to punish him. He could stand in the corner, or go to his room, or lose his TV or Playstation for a time. But for how long? The answer is irrelevant. It could be 5 minutes or 5 years and have exactly the same effect on Lucas. We didn’t understand this at first. Each time he would do something wrong, his punishment would get longer and longer. By age 9 they were extreme. He has stood in a corner for 4 hours straight, without saying a word. He spent an entire weekend in his room, coming out only for meals and bathroom. He lost TV and Playstation for a year! In all of these cases, never did he ask, “how much longer?” Never did he get excited when the punishment was almost over. He just took it.

When the punishment finally ended he went right back to doing the behavior he was punished for. It’s like it didn’t faze him at all.

It was at this point that we realized that he had become totally immune to punishment.

How it all began for us – Part 4 of 4

2008-09-25T14:00:00.001-07:00

As Christmas approached, Lucas didn’t seem all that excited about it. We had to force him to write a letter to Santa. He enjoyed the Christmas party at my office. But even on Christmas Eve, he seemed to have no interesting Christmas itself. He didn’t ask about Santa or presents like we expected him to.

We were really looking forward to this day: our first Christmas together. We wanted it to be a happy and memorable day. We hoped it would bring us closer together.

Christmas morning Lucas he slept in late. What kid does that? When he finally emerged he saw all the presents under the tree, but still didn’t seem overly excited. He said he was afraid Santa wouldn’t know where he lived and we reassured him that Santa can find him anywhere he is.

We began opening presents. About halfway through Lucas got angry and started throwing things. He had to be taken to his room. After a while he calmed down and we finished with the presents. Of course there were a lot of clothes and socks, which he desperately needed, but there were also a lot of nice toys that any normal 6-year-old would be thrilled to get.

When we finished opening presents and it was time to play with his new toys Lucas said, “This is the most boring day ever!” He then repeated that later in the day. We asked him about his previous Christmases, but he wouldn’t talk about them.

We knew we had a long way to go with him. But things were gradually getting better.

Until a few years later, when things began to gradually get worse.

How it all began for us – Part 3 of 4

2008-09-24T04:51:00.000-07:00

Fortunately the power came back on that evening, but those were probably the longest 12 hours in each of our lives.

The first month was quite stressful. Lucas was basically fine, just a little hyper (OK, a lot). He adjusted well. He liked his school and latchkey program. The biggest problem was Lucas didn’t like my wife at all. He was mean to her, ignored her, and threw temper-tantrums when he had to spend time with her. This just compounded the problems my wife and I were having on their own. It was very difficult to transition from our old lives, where we came and went as we pleased, did what we wanted, and didn’t have to worry about having to take care of someone 24 hours-a-day..

The worst time was about two-weeks after Lucas moved in. My wife had a bunch of work to do over the weekend. I had to be at work on Saturday for a special event. And my parents were coming for a visit that evening. I was playing referee between my wife and Lucas. It was a crazy time and I quickly began to worry that we had just made the biggest mistake of our lives. But I talked with my parents and told them that even though it’s hard, we planned to stick it out.

Fortunately we did because during the month of October the three of us changed so much and adapted really well. By Halloween Lucas was like a whole different person. He wasn’t nearly as hyper as he was when he moved in. He was friendly. He started calling my wife “Mom” (with a little prompting). His grades were improving. And we started having a lot of fun together. It appeared everything was going to be OK.

How it all began for us – Part 2 of 4

2008-09-23T10:16:00.000-07:00

It was mid-July when our caseworker called and said, “I might have a match for you. His name is Lucas.” We read the profile and liked what we saw. His birthmom had likely used drugs and alcohol during pregnancy but there were no obvious signs of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. There were also no signs of any other physical or mental handicaps. Here was a kid who certainly had a rough life and had a lot of behavioral problems because of that.

We were starting late and he had a lot of behaviors to unlearn, but we felt confidant that providing him with a stable, safe and loving home we could turn him into a productive member of society.

In mid-August we first met Lucas during a meeting at Child Services. He didn’t look at us or say anything when he first walked in. We had our meeting. Immediately after the meeting we decided that, yes, this was the child for us. We went to another room where Lucas was playing. He had just received a new backpack for school with lots of pencils and folders and other school stuff in it. We sat down and Lucas showed us all the neat stuff he just got. He also ran around the room playing with a balloon, by blowing it up and letting it go.

A week later we went to spend a few hours with Lucas. We went to a local amusement park and rode some of the rides. Then we went to Burger king where Lucas put ketchup on EVERYTHING, including the food, the table, and himself. We took him back to his foster home, and he seemed much happier to be there than with us. We understood because his foster parents were more like grandparents than regular parents. They were cool.

We were excited. We were told that once we do the first meeting, things would move very fast, but for us it seemed like a really long time. At this point we were ready for Lucas to move in with us. He was just starting 1st grade and we didn’t want to wait for him to get comfortable there before we moved him. We were also afraid that Lucas saw us as the enemy, trying to take him away from the really cool family he was with. He was relatively new to them as well and hadn’t bonded too much with them. But we saw how Lucas looked at them when we dropped him off: how happy he was to be back with them. We knew that he now bond with them more than ever. They were his family that he was coming home to.

For a few days we hadn’t heard anything and were getting frustrated. Then our caseworker called and we set up a timeline. Two weekend visits at our house (starting this weekend) and then on Friday of the third week he would move in permanently. That seemed like a long time to us. Why did we need two weekend visits and then another full week before he moved in?

The next weekend we picked Lucas up for his first visit to our home. The car ride was stressful. Not 5 minutes after we left Lucas asked “Are we soon there?” And every five minutes after that, “Are we soon there?” We knew that would be a really long three hours. On the way we stopped at McDonalds and Lucas ran through the play-tubes. Then continued on our way. “Are we soon there?”

When Lucas arrived we expected him to run all over the house and yard, checking it out. But he really didn’t do that. He walked in and basically stayed in one room. Didn’t explore at all. After awhile we ran around outside, played baseball and hunted for bugs.

The next morning we took him to Sunday School. He liked that. My wife tried to get him to sit through Church. He didn’t like that. Then we drove three hours back. “Are we soon there?” “Are we soon there?” “Are we soon there?”

After we dropped him off we were both exhausted. Suddenly it was real. It was going to happen. And those two-and-a-half weeks that seemed like and eternity were now two weeks that seemed like not nearly enough time. We had to get ready. Much of the time was spent trying to register him for school and an after-school program.

We bought a small tv/vcr for the car. That was the best investment we made in a long time. The second weekend was basically the same as the first, except that there were fewer are-we-soon-there’s. Instead Lucas watched Schoolhouse Rock over and over again. Five days later Lucas moved in with us permanently.

It was a rainy day and that morning all three of us woke up with a bad cold. We piled all of Lucas’s things into the car. Lucas said goodbye to his foster family. I don’t remember if he cried.

A storm hit the first night Lucas moved in. The power went out. So here we were…all of us feeling quite sick…none of us had taken a shower since Thursday morning, before the move…in a house without power and water…and we had a hyper little 6-year-old running around demanding to be entertained every second of the day.

How it all began for us – Part 1 of 4

2008-09-21T08:31:00.000-07:00

A four-part description of our journey into adoption: based on some writings I had made at the time.

During the first 8 years of our marriage one of us would occasionally ask, “Do you want a kid?” Each time the answer came back from the other, “No.”

In September 2002 one of us (I don’t even remember which) asked again and the answer came back, “Maybe.”

So we went to the local Wendy’s restaurant and discussed it.

Neither one of us wanted to give up our careers to raise an infant. We didn’t want to use fulltime daycare. Plus neither one of us was really interested in a baby, just a kid. So we said, “What about adoption?” We both seemed to like the idea and started looking into it.

So we contacted a local agency that specializes in “older-child adoptions”. We signed up for their training sessions; 3 hours every Sunday afternoon for 8 weeks. We learned how to be a parent and how to parent children who have come from homes where they may have been neglected or abused.

Many of the kids they talked about had serious mental or physical handicaps. We felt for these children but knew that was not the type of child we were looking for. One of the many forms we filled out was basically a list of all the disabilities children in their care might have or situations they might have come from. We had to check off from a list which disabilities or situations we would or would not accept so they could best match us. Here’s what we wrote…

Because of the difficult life these children have lived, we realize that almost any child placed through your program will have issues and behaviors that are similar to many of the disorders listed here. Our only wish is that our child should not have any kind of permanent disability or disorder with a medical cause. But we wish that any disorders our child may have be the result of an environmental cause, not a medical one. Our goal is to provide a permanent loving home where these issues can be addressed and reduced.

After our training our caseworker would occasionally stop by the house with profiles of different kids. All seemed to have something that made them not a good fit for us. Some were kids with mental disabilities with a medical cause. Some were too young. Some were too old. Some had behaviors so bad that we just couldn’t handle them.

So for about 6 months, we waited.

How it all began for Lucas

2008-09-20T09:43:00.000-07:00

Lucas’s birthmom (I’ll call her Maria) had a rough start to her life. Her parents were separated (it’s unclear if they were ever married). Maria’s family was poor. They lived in a small but rough city, in the dangerous part of town. By Maria’s 14th birthday she was already into drugs and alcohol, and she was already pregnant with Lucas.

For the first 2 years of his life, Lucas lived with Maria at Maria’s mother’s home. Maria’s mom did most of the caretaking. At age 2 Lucas moved to his birthfather’s house where there were signs of neglect. Nine months later Maria had a place of her own and took Lucas back. This lasted for only 4 months when Lucas (now age 3) moved back in with Maria’s mom. Maria stayed away.

At age 17 Maria moved in with a rather dangerous man: a drug dealer who used guns to protect himself. She got pregnant again and had another son. Feeling like she finally had a family Maria decided to take Lucas back so she could raise her two boys together.

This volatile situation didn’t last long. A few months later a very dangerous incident occurred in their house that made headlines all around the state. As a result Lucas was removed from the home by Child Services and placed back with Maria’s mom. This is the first move that Lucas remembers not wanting to make. Maria’s mom tried to care for Lucas, but Lucas’s behavior was so difficult that she eventually decided to let the county take him.

At age 5 Lucas was placed with a foster family. Things were going well enough at the beginning that this family was preparing to adopt him. But Lucas’s behavior, including his constant wetting of the bed strained the family to the point that Child Services felt it was no longer in Lucas’s best interest to stay there.

At age 6 Lucas moved into the home of the nicest people you could ever meet. This couple has a very stable and loving home. They had two teenage children of their own and being good church-going folk they wanted to help by opening their home as a foster placement. Despite making it very clear to Lucas that this was only a temporary placement, the home and the people were so wonderful that Lucas strongly attached to this family. He was safe and happy for the first time in his life.

That happiness lasted 4 months, until we showed up and ripped him out of there…

Welcome

2008-09-18T06:45:00.000-07:00

Today is September 18th, 2008, the 5th anniversary of our “Gotcha Day” and we will likely celebrate with a cake. Except for my wife and me “Gotcha Day” isn’t a celebration. It is another reminder of how our choice 5 years ago has devastated our family. The only hope it offers is knowing that we are one year closer to being able to kick him out of our house: one year closer to normalcy.

“Gotcha Day”, for those who don’t know, is the day that Lucas (not his real name) joined our family. Five years ago today we welcomed this cute, hyper, hurt 6-year-old boy into our home. A boy who was “at risk for Reactive Attachment Disorder”.

A lot has changed in 5 years. The advances he has made are dramatic. His personality is almost unrecognizable from before. Lucas is no longer hyperactive. He is no longer constantly at our side (or anyone’s side) looking for attention. He is able to play by himself. He no longer tells lies several times each day. He no longer wets his bed several times each night.

My wife and I give ourselves a lot of credit for these changes. They happened completely without the use of medications. They happened completely without the use of corporal punishment, despite how much we may have wanted to. They were a result of a lot of hard work on our part to provide a very structured, consistent, and safe environment for him.

All his problems that could be changed, we did change with about a 99% success rate. We feel very proud of what we have done. I say that not to convince you, but to convince us. We have to keep telling ourselves this because it is very easy for us to blame ourselves for Lucas’s current situation.

Two days ago Lucas attended his first hearing in juvenile court. He broke into our neighbor’s house, rifled through her underwear drawer, got aroused, took pictures of his aroused penis with their digital camera, and left it for them.

This is his first incident involving actual charges because until recently we have been able to keep him under control. That changed about 6 months ago, around his 11th birthday. On that day, we realized we could no longer fully contain him. On that day, the world became a more dangerous place.

I have several goals with this blog.

First I want to document the childhood of a psychopath, to show what’s really going on here.
Second, I want to offer support for parents of similar children. I know your friends and family don’t understand or believe you, but I do. I know what you are going through.
Third, I often find writing therapeutic. This is as much to help me, as it is to help anyone else.

I wish I had started this 5 years ago so that the story would be linear. Instead I will end up mixing in stories from long ago with stories of today.

Unfortunately I won’t be very consistent with updates to this blog. If it has been a few months since my last update, it’s probably because I have so much else to do here dealing with Lucas’s issues. I’m probably still alive.

Probably.