"Wow, I didn’t see THAT coming."

Oh, Happy Day. Oh, Happy Day!

The day after the standoff I sent an e-mail to the treatment center. I hoped it would reach the VP of Operations before her Monday meeting to discuss their policy regarding parents visiting their child’s room.

I spent hours working on this letter. The first draft documented all the problems we were having with house staff, and all the things we found in his room. It basically accused house staff of not doing their jobs and this is why we needed access to keep an eye on them. The second draft was much shorter, friendlier, and more positive. It talked about allowing us to stay connected with our son who suffers from severe RAD. It was this second draft I ended up sending.

We didn’t hear anything on Monday

We didn’t hear anything on Tuesday either.

Wednesday afternoon I received a call from the treatment center. It was from the principal of Lucas’s school. Lucas and one of his buddies decided to run away from school. They figured out when security was most lax, they had someone create a distraction, and they bolted into the woods nearby. It took staff 40 minutes to find them. The principal explained that this was expected from the other boy. She said, “But Lucas has always been such a good boy. I have to tell you. With Lucas, I didn’t see THAT coming.”

I called my wife to tell her. I said, “Well, I just got off the phone with the treatment center. Their words were, quote, I didn’t see THAT coming.” My wife squealed with glee. She didn’t yet know WHAT happened, but she knew what it meant. It meant we had the right to say, “I told you so!”

For years Lucas’s therapists have treated us like we know nothing. Like we couldn’t possibly understand what is going on in his head. This has been especially true with the therapy team at this treatment center. I think this attitude comes from an incorrect assumption on their part. They figure that if we were able to understand what’s happening in his mind, then we would have been able to correct his behaviors long before he needed residential treatment.

So every time someone says to us, “Wow! I didn’t see THAT coming”, we understand and we sympathize. But we also feel vindicated. We DO see these things coming and we try to warn them. But nobody believes us until it happens to them.

Later that day we called the house to talk to Lucas. After we got his side of the story, the house supervisor (the same one who refused us entry only 4 days before) got on the phone. He explained how shocked he was when he heard. “Who did this? Lucas? Really? Wow! I didn’t see THAT coming.”

Despite several calls, I still haven’t had a chance to talk to his therapist. I want to point out several key factors because maybe now they will listen.

1. Lucas is not a flight risk on his own. He never runs AWAY from things. He may run TOWARDS something or WITH someone, but never AWAY. He stays where there are other people. It doesn’t matter how bad things are, as long as there are other people around, he will stay. If Lucas ran away by himself, we would be just as surprised. But he left with someone else, which means he still had that social interaction that he craves.
   
   
2. This action was premeditated; it was NOT impulsive in the normal sense of the word. Lucas and his buddy decided to do this several hours prior. They made a plan. They recruited others to help them. They waited until the time was right. These are not impulsive decisions. These were choices. This is the pattern Lucas has always followed. He waits until your guard is down. He waits until the time is right.
   
   
3. Lucas only acts up when he feels empowered. We learned long ago that as soon as Lucas gets a reward, or is released from punishment, he immediately screws it up by doing something he shouldn’t. This is why we ended up with our policy of ‘constant lockdown’. As long as he didn’t feel empowered, he didn’t act up. So what happened to make him feel empowered? What happened to make him think he can now get away with things? Oh, wait! Didn’t he just witness his parents being barred from searching his room?
   
   
4. "I told you so!"
   

OK, maybe I won’t mention that last one, but I really want to.

On Thursday I received an e-mail from the VP of Operations. They have drafted a policy regarding parents’ rights to see their child’s room. The new policy states that as long as they follow some basic guidelines, parents CAN see their child’s room every time they visit.

Oh, Happy Day!

Not Welcome!

It took a lot longer for us to bounce back than we thought it would. I still don’t think we’re completely over it yet. For us, losing even that little bit of freedom was traumatic. And yet Lucas seems to thrive in it. We never imagined that out of the 6 billion people on this planet, the one person most different from us would be our son.

The treatment center is quite different from the evaluation center. The staff isn’t nearly as friendly with us. They wouldn’t even let us in the house where Lucas will be living. They claim HIPAA laws require them to keep visitors out so that we don’t see who else might be receiving treatment here. That’s like keeping visitors out of a hospital because they might see other patients. It funny that the evaluation center had no problem with giving us free access to the house there.

Lucas is living in a special house reserved for sexual offenders. They are focused on treating Lucas’s sexual problems and seem to be ignoring all his other issues, including his psychopathy. They aren’t interested in listening to us about all his non-sexual issues. They don’t want to hear that the sexual issues are merely a symptom of some much deeper problems.

They want to teach Lucas things like ‘victim empathy’. They play games like, “How would YOU feel if someone did these things to you?” They don’t understand that he wouldn’t feel anything. They don’t want to hear that he has no frame of reference to make a comparison like that. You can’t teach the color blue to someone who is blind. In his mind he is thinking, “I wouldn’t care if someone did those things to me, so it’s no big deal if I do them to someone else.”

They won’t listen when we tell them about Lucas’s other therapists. How they thought things were going great until the next big thing happened. How almost every other therapist has ended up saying something like, “Wow, I didn’t see THAT coming.” How we DID see THAT coming. These new therapists are repeating the same old mistakes. They see us as a burden, rather than a resource.

We know Lucas is going to get worse in this treatment center, not better. In just the first few weeks we’ve seen negative changes in him.

He very quickly picked up the urban slang of most of his other housemates. He’s already coning the staff into buying him new shoes because he doesn’t like the ones we bought him. He’s been in their school for several weeks and can’t even tell us what he is learning. And even though he’s in 7th grade, they don’t seem to think it is important to make him do homework.

When we call Lucas (he still doesn’t call us) he tells us about all the horror films (“Friday the 13th”, “Michael Myers”, “It”, etc.) they watch during the evenings. We have SO MANY issues with this. First, you’re showing horror films to a 12-year-old? Second, you’re showing horror films to a psychopath? And third and most importantly, you’re showing horror films to Lucas? A boy whose strongest memory of his childhood is the constant nightmares he had from watching horror films with his birth family?

Two weeks ago we did finally get to see where he lives. They brought us in the back door and we had to go straight to his room. The other kids were kept in a different part of the house. We searched his room and found several ‘issues’ including gansta-rapper Fat Joe lyrics, notes for how to draw graffiti, a drawing of a penis, the start of a hole right in the center of his brand-new mattress, about 30 used tissues (that he used to masturbate) strewn all over and under his bed, curse words and a swastika written on his bed, and several other pairs of shoes that he had ‘borrowed’ from other kids in the house.

The house staff was amazed at everything we found in such a short time. We explained it comes from years of experience. We know what to look for. We told them that Lucas had never heard these particular rap lyrics before arriving here. They tried to make excuses like, “Well, he must have heard them over at the school. They aren’t allowed here in the house.” We later asked Lucas where he heard the lyrics. He said another kid in the house played them for him on his CD player all the time.

Lucas is only 12 years old. He still needs parents. He needs people to watch over him, to protect him, and to teach him right from wrong. It’s clear that he’s not getting any of this where he is now. So I guess that job falls to us during the short visits we have with him.

We explained to his therapist the problems we were seeing, and that during our next visit we wanted to see his room again. When we arrived the house supervisor denied us access to the house. We asked why. He again used the HIPAA laws as his excuse. We requested to go in the back door, away from all the other kids. He refused. We offered to be blindfolded until we reached his room. He refused. We explained that we were allowed in before. He said that was a mistake and it won’t be repeated. We called his boss. The boss said it was the house supervisor’s decision. We called the VP of Operations. She said they would hold a meeting on Monday to discuss the issue. We explained to the house supervisor how important it was that we be able to search his room, for the safety of the other kids in the house. Frustrated he finally said, “Look, you’re not getting in this house, and that’s final.” The standoff lasted more than a half-hour and in the end we left, angry and upset, without seeing his room.

You think you know how to handle him? You don’t want us involved?

Fine! He’s your problem now! But in another month or so when you say, “Wow, I didn’t see THAT coming,” don’t come crying to us. We don’t want to hear it anymore!

Of course I don’t really mean it. And that’s the problem. I wish I did mean it. I wish I could just stop caring about him and stop trying to help him. I wish I lacked a conscience. I wish I lacked empathy.

Life would be so much easier that way.

House Arrest

After leaving the courtroom we quickly make a plan on how to deal with Lucas being on house arrest. The judges orders stated that at least one of us had to stay home with him at all times. Since we both have full-time jobs, this restriction posed a problem. We quickly decided that both our bosses would be happier if we each showed up for half-a-day each day, rather than a full-day on alternating days. I went to work that afternoon while my wife took the first ‘home’ shift.

Lucas spent his first hour at home just walking around, checking everything out. Yes, his room was still there. His bed was still there. His books were still there. Yes, his garbage was gone, including all his candy and snack wrappers that were hidden under his mattress, in his coat pockets, in his puzzle boxes, and in his bathroom cabinet. He would sneak these items and then hide the wrappers so we wouldn’t see them in the garbage can. His stash of trail mix that he kept in his winter cap was also gone. Not a bag of trail mix, just handfuls of trail mix thrown into the cap itself.

That evening his probation officer showed up to put on the ankle bracelet. He explained that once it was on, it could only be removed by breaking it. And if anyone but the probation officer broke it, Lucas would be sent to the detention center. It was waterproof so he could still take a shower. Along with the bracelet came a large monitoring contraption that had to be plugged into the house phone line. It sensed where Lucas was and reported in every half-hour or so. This meant we had limited use of our phone line. Every time we made a call we only had a few minutes before it would beep indicating that it needed to call in.

The first few days weren’t too bad. Our bosses were understanding, at least at first. My wife and I hardly saw each other because one of us was always at work or running an errand while the other of us was at home. We were hoping Medicaid would quickly approve payment so Lucas could go to the new treatment center. They had 3 business days to either approve or deny the request. But on day 5 of house arrest (two days being the weekend) the insurance company said it needed more information, which started the clock all over again. House arrest was going to last at least into the following week.

On day 8 of house arrest Medicaid finally approved payment. Of course word of this arrived at 3pm on a Friday, so there was nothing that could be done before the weekend.

Monday was Columbus Day which meant that even though the treatment center was ready to take him, probation had the day off so they couldn’t release him.

By this point our bosses were quickly losing patience. They were upset we were missing so much work. We felt trapped in our own house and were getting serious cabin fever. My wife and I started arguing over who could leave when. It was a real strain. Surprisingly Lucas was the least of our worries. He was really well behaved. He didn’t once give us any problems. We asked him why he was being so good. Apparently the judge’s threat that if he did even the littlest thing wrong he would go to the detention center was what it took to change his behavior. If house arrest, an ankle bracelet and a threat of immediate jail time is what it takes to get through to him then I don’t feel nearly as bad about making him stand in the corner for 4 hours that one time.

Tuesday we called probation to get things moving. It took all day to figure out that they couldn’t release him to the treatment center until they had written proof that Medicaid would pay the bill. Medicaid’s policy is to NOT release that information in written form. So now we were at a bureaucratic stalemate and several phone calls from both me and Lucas’s lawyer couldn’t break it.

Wednesday, day 13 of house arrest, I was determined to end this. I called the treatment center and scheduled Lucas’s intake for 3pm that day (without Probation’s permission). I then called Probation and told them his intake was scheduled and that they had to release him. My idea was that if probation didn’t release him from house arrest in time then we could accuse them of interfering with Lucas’s treatment. They said they would have to check with their bosses, and then check with their bosses’ bosses.

I very impatiently waited for a response, calling them and Lucas’s lawyer every hour, trying to get things moving.

Finally at 12:30pm, 30 minutes before we had to leave for the intake meeting, probation agreed to release him. We stopped by the courthouse on the way to the treatment center so they could remove the ankle bracelet. I took Lucas out to lunch at Wendy’s, his first ‘good food’ in 2 months, and probably last ‘good food’ for several more months. I was proud of him for his good behavior. We met my wife on the way and we dropped him off at the treatment center. House arrest was over!

A few days later we cleaned up his room again. In those 13 days he was home, with us keeping an eye on him, he still managed to hide several snack wrappers and 6 empty or half-empty cans of soda in his room. I guess the immediate threat of jail wasn’t enough to change his behavior after all.

House arrest was a lot harder on us than we thought it would be. If we had to do it over again we would have gladly paid the $1,800 for him to stay at the evaluation center.

Yesterday I received a bill from Lucas’s lawyer: $1,750.

Son of a ...

I Hate Probation!

On day 40 of Lucas’s court-ordered 45-day stay at the center, we attended a meeting with his diagnostic team. They showed a clear need for Lucas to stay long-term at a treatment center. Everyone, including his local treatment team, juvenile probation, my wife and myself agreed that this was the right thing for him. This was the easy part.

The hard part came at the end of the 45 days. On day 45 the Office of Juvenile Probation would stop paying for his stay at the evaluation center. Approximately 3 to 11 days later Medicaid would (hopefully) start paying for his stay at the treatment center. They needed this time to review the case and approve the funds.

The recommendation was very clear that, for the safety of the community, Lucas must be supervised 24-hours-a-day. So what should happen for these 3 to 11 days?

The obvious answer was that he should stay where he was, at the evaluation center, until he can be moved to the treatment center. But at a cost of over $300/day, no one was willing to foot the bill. If we knew it would only be 3 or 4 days, we could have come up with the cash somehow. But because it might go for as many as 11 days, and then Medicaid could still reject the treatment, we couldn’t justify paying over $3,000 out of pocket. We were told not to worry about it. It will all work out.

We were told wrong.

By day 43 it became clear that no one was going to step up and pay for this lapse of coverage. That’s when I received a rather blunt call from Lucas’s probation officer that they were going to pick Lucas up at 2pm on the last day and place him in the detention center (jail) for at least 5 days until they could get a court hearing. The probation officer made it clear that we had no say in this matter. Probation told us they considered him such a danger to society that they had no choice but to lock him up.

Now I agree that our son is a danger. I know he will eventually end up in prison. And I know he won’t really care if he’s there or not. I’ve known this for over two years now. It’s the whole point of this blog.

But at the end of that phone call, something in me snapped. Maybe it was the attitude of the probation officer telling me I had no choice. Maybe it was the flagrant violation of Lucas’s civil rights. His crime was over year ago. He served his punishment: 1 year of probation. Locking someone up because of what they ‘might’ do is not allowed in the American justice system. Maybe it was just the ‘Dad’ instinct taking over. Maybe it was some combination of all three. But at the end of that phone call I knew I was going to fight this, and fight it hard! My wife was behind me 100%.

I called Lucas’s lawyer several times. He told me there was nothing he could do. I called the evaluation center. There was nothing they could do. I called his local treatment team. There was nothing they could do. I called my state’s juvenile advocacy center. There was nothing they could do. Everyone said Probation could just take Lucas and lock him up.

In my mind this was now a custody issue. We had legal custody. Probation did not. They don’t have the right to take my son away from me. Not a year after his crime.

So on day 44 I faxed a letter to the evaluation center specifically stating my rights to custody, and forbidding them from releasing Lucas to Juvenile Probation. This forced Probation to schedule an emergency hearing for the next morning. The judge would decide who, if anybody, would pick Lucas up from the evaluation center that afternoon and where would they take him.

It felt surreal. Because despite everything we have been through, we still love our son very much. And even though we had spent years trying to get someone, anyone, to understand just how dangerous Lucas is; once someone finally did understand, we were fighting it. For once we were fighting for a lesser punishment. We were sticking up for Lucas. We were protecting him.

We actually felt like ‘normal’ parents. It felt good.

The next morning we arrived at Lucas’s hearing ready for a fight. But when we got there we were told to wait outside the courtroom. Probation and Lucas’s lawyer needed to talk to the judge off the record first. Those discussions ended up lasting more than an hour.

So we waited. Angry and frustrated that things had gotten this bad. Feeling like nobody was on our side. Afraid of what would happen to our son.

As we paced the hallway, we just happened to look in a small room nearby. There sat our 12-year-old Lucas!

In handcuffs and shackles!

My wife, who is one of the strongest people I know, started crying and screaming. She took off down the hallway towards the courtroom, ready to strangle the first probation officer she saw. I caught her and held her. I tried to quiet her, but I’m sure they could still hear her rants of hatred through the closed courtroom door.

We were furious! Not only did Probation pick Lucas up, but the evaluation center released him, both against our express written permission.

After I’d calmed down a bit I went to check on Lucas. My wife stayed behind. She couldn’t bear to see him shackled like that.

I asked him what happened. He told me that he was eating breakfast with his friends when the probation officer showed up, slapped the cuffs and shackles on him and walked him out the door. After just receiving their ‘Kid of the Week’ award for good behavior, this is how he left the evaluation center, with all his new friends watching.

They had left the cuffs and shackles on him for the entire two-hour drive back from the center. I asked him what he thought of all this. In typical Lucas fashion he just shrugged. He didn’t particularly care for it, but it wasn’t all that big of a deal. The biggest ‘emotion’ he felt was boredom.

I almost admire him for this. He doesn’t get worked up over things. He doesn’t worry about the future. He feels no anxiety. At that moment we would have given almost anything to feel that way ourselves.

The judge finally called us into the courtroom for the official hearing. Lucas’s lawyer shook his head. It didn’t look good. Probation stood there with a smug grin.

The chief probation officer made some cocky statement about how they were offering this hearing simply as a courtesy to us ‘good parents’. Our lawyer made a halfway decent emotional plea. We presented ourselves as an intelligent, upstanding and capable family.

I don’t know which of those changed the judge’s mind. But at the end of the 45-minute hearing he announced…

“I will release Lucas into the custody of his parents…”

(Yes!!! We Won!!!)

“…He will be placed under house arrest…”

(OK.)

“…He will not be allowed to leave the house for any reason. He will not be allowed to attend school…”

(Um. I…guess we’ll have to find someone to watch him while we’re at work.)

“…And he must remain under his parent’s supervision at all times: no babysitters, no friends, no relatives. Only his parents can watch him. So ordered. {gavel slams}”

(Wait… that means we are basically under house arrest as well. Oh Shit!!)

Three Weeks

It’s been three weeks since the judge placed Lucas in an acute diagnostic center.

We dropped him off at the facility located about 2 hours from our home. We got a tour of the ‘dorm’ where he will be living for the next 45 days, met the staff, went over the rules, and saw his room. Unlike most residents, Lucas would not have a roommate.

It felt a lot like most people feel when they drop their child off at college. It was a combination of nervousness for him (how well will he adapt, what scary things will he learn) and a bit of excitement for us (we can have a life again). All while knowing this is probably a good next step for our child.

And like many college students, Lucas couldn’t wait for us to leave so he could explore his new surroundings on his own. There were no tears. We had to practically force a hug goodbye from him.

On the ride home we went out to dinner, just the two of us, something we’ve been able to do only a few times in the last 6 years. It felt good. It felt normal. We had normal lives again.

We spent a long weekend in New York City, something we’ve wanted to do for quite a while but never had the opportunity. We went to see Avenue Q, a show we knew was not appropriate for Lucas. When the song “The Internet is for Porn” started, we looked at each other and laughed hysterically. For the rest of the day, Lucas’s new name was ‘Trekkie Monster’. We had fun.

Earlier this week we went to visit my parents. They couldn’t get over the difference they saw in us. We were relaxed. We were social. We were happy.

And yet we worry about what will happen at the end of the 45 days. He’ll probably come back home to us. What will he have learned form his ‘new friends’. Friends from the city. Friends who were in gangs. Friends who will teach him lots of things he would have trouble learning way out here in the country. How much more dangerous will he be when he returns?

We call him twice each week, and we visit once each week, but the conversations are forced. He’d rather be with the other kids than talking to us. He likes it there.

Today we leave for a week-long vacation to the beach. This is a vacation the three of us take every year just before school starts. It’s hard to imagine what it will be like this year without him. What will we do?

We miss him.

It’s been three weeks since the judge placed Lucas in an acute diagnostic center.

He hasn’t called home once.

Finally, an accurate assessment!!!

It took two years of hand-holding, but I think "the system" finally understands what it is dealing with. We feel that someone is finally listening. Below is the latest report from the court-appointed evaluator.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

To Whom It May Concern,

I initially completed a sex offender evaluation on Lucas after he was charged for breaking into his neighbor’s home, searched through the neighbor’s lingerie, and took a picture of his erection with her digital camera. Sexual specific treatment was recommended at that time to also include addressing his symptoms of Reaction Attachment Disorder (avoidance and resistance of parental comfort and attachment) and Oppositional Defiant Disorder (a pattern of negative, hostile, and defiant behavior). He also displays characteristics of Conduct Disorder which is a persistent pattern of violating the rules and rights of society and others.

His dynamic risk factors placed him at a moderate to high risk for sexual re-offending. They include:
(1) Deviant sexual interests
(2) Obsessive sexual interests/Preoccupation with sexual thoughts
(3) Attitudes supportive of sexual offending
(4) Unwillingness to alter deviant sexual interests or attitudes
(5) Antisocial interpersonal orientation
(6) Lack of intimate peer relationships
(7) Negative peer associations and influences
(8) Problematic parent-offender relationships

Lucas returned to my office recently in order to be assessed again after he carved holes in his stuffed animals’ genital areas and his mattress for the purpose of masturbating, inserted a plunger handle and mini baseball bat into his anus which caused bleeding, downloaded $128 of Pay-Per-View pornography, and created holes in his bedroom wall in order to peep on his babysitter in the bathroom. His risk for re-offending is very high at this point in time.

Past negative behaviors have included habitual lying, threats, destruction of his own personal items, accepting Motrin from a friend when he thought they were steroids, stealing, convincing friends to store stolen items for him, and breaking and entering a neighbor’s home 3 times. He has persistently failed to learn from mistakes and punishments.

I reviewed the Hare Psychopathy for Adolescents (PCL:YV), a 20-item assessment tool used in the mental health and criminal justice systems to assess the traditional construct of Psychopathy. Psychopathy can be viewed as a personality disorder characterized by a constellation of traits including poor behavioral controls, irresponsibility, callousness, remorselessness, failure to form close emotional bonds, low anxiety proneness, and externalization of blame. The psychopathic personality is correlated with antisocial behavior and persistent criminality. Psychopathy can be defined as chronic immoral and antisocial behaviors and the presence of Psychopathy increases the risk associated with violent recidivism.

Lucas attained a score of 38.9 out of a possible 40 points. Research has not yet established cut-off scores for adolescent psychopathy so there is no indication that scores above a certain cut score will continue to score high on adult measures of future criminality and violent offending when the client is over the age of 18. Lucas’s score falls in the extremely high scoring group.

Antisocial Personality Disorder is basically the failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors and a lack of remorse at hurting or mistreating others. Early intervention may modify this pathway but there is currently no proven therapy or medication that has been considered helpful. He was placed on Abilify that decreased his impulsivity: however, it unfortunately allowed him to have more concentration to be a “better” criminal so it was discontinued. Some professionals feel that “talk therapy” and teaching psychopaths things such as victim empathy only helps them to be “better psychopaths” because they learn additional information to manipulate others.

Lucas shows little to no remorse or empathy for negative behaviors and often manipulates others for his personal gain. He lives selfishly in the “here and now” with no regard for future consequences. He waits for opportunities to act out and takes advantage of them when the time is right. There are no punishments or rewards that appear to have long-lasting effects on his negative and dangerous thinking and behaviors. This information may be useful in identifying his problem areas, planning treatment strategies, developing management strategies, and aiding the assessment of risk for future antisocial and criminal acts. This is especially so when it is already known that his manipulative charm often serves to fool observers and he may be unable to form a genuine alliance with any therapist.

Lucas has expressed desire to be sent to a program in order to escape the strict rules his parents enforce. His parents have resorted to keeping a 24/7 watch on him. For the safety of the community he is not permitted to leave his home independently except for going to school. His parents have installed security cameras, motion detectors, and door & window alarms in the home. They express fear toward their own son and have a keypad lock on their bedroom door. He most likely has not acted out more often, solely because of his parents’ dedication and commitment in preventing such opportunities.

Recommendations
At this point in time, I am recommending that Lucas be placed in an acute diagnostic center. This intensive short-term program (approximately 45 days) will provide a more comprehensive investigative and problem-solving evaluation. Early identification of those youth likely to be repeat violent offenders has important protective implications for society. Attempts to identify the psychopath in childhood or adolescence may improve treatment providers’ ability to treat the disorder early in its development before personality styles become increasingly solidified. The center will offer him a safe, nurturing, protective environment while providing observations for a comprehensive evaluation and individualized recommendations for post-diagnostic therapeutic direction. It is a great concern that the most stable environment has been in this family home where he lives like an isolated prisoner, however, any other less-restrictive options at this point in time serve to put society at risk from this young man.

If you have any questions or need anything else for your records please feel free to contact me.

Sincerely,

{name withheld}

The moral dilemma

I’m asking for your help.

Lucas is on lockdown imposed by us. He is not allowed outside the house unless escorted by one of us. School is the ONLY exception. Inside the house he is not allowed to watch TV, play video games, or listen to the radio. Most of his toys have been confiscated. And we don’t play with him.

He spends most days sitting in his room reading or staring at the ceiling. Every once-in-a-while he mentions that he is bored, but otherwise he is quite happy with this arrangement.

We have been in full lockdown for 8 months now. As I’ve mentioned before we maintain this lockdown because only under these conditions is he mostly well-behaved. Any little bit of freedom we give him causes him to noticeably act out.

For example last Friday I took him to see a movie. The next day he drilled little spy-holes in the bathroom wall. These two events are related. He would not have felt the freedom to do this if I hadn’t taken him to the movie the day before. I have seen this pattern over and over with him.

I know in my heart with 100% certainty that Lucas will make a poor choice if he is given any leeway. I fear the day when he is 15 or 16 and he gets out from under our control and seriously hurts someone physically. He needs to live in a place where he can’t do that: where he can’t get out and hurt someone. And that place is not our home. We are simply not equipped to maintain control forever.

Summer is coming.

A number of Lucas’s therapists are asking us what we will do with him over summer. Will he be allowed outside? Will he participate in sports or camps? Will he be allowed to do anything more than he is doing right now? Or will he remain under full lockdown?

So I’m asking you. What should we do? Should we protect our friends and neighbors and maintain full lockdown with only TV and radio privileges? Or should we give him some freedom, allow him outside, sign him up for sports, send him to daycamp at the local YMCA?

If we give him some freedom, we will be knowingly exposing others to a danger that they cannot comprehend. That seems morally wrong to me.

And yet we know that if he is not allowed out now, he will get out at age 15 or 16 and really do some damage. That seems even more morally wrong to me.

So do we use the fact that he is on probation to our advantage? I know how horrible this sounds, but do we set him up for failure? Do we allow him access to the unsuspecting world, and then sit back and wait for him to screw up and hope it’s enough for the judge to put him in a secure facility? The justification being that we would be choosing the lesser of two evils: something moderately bad now or something really bad later.

I know that many of you will say we should allow him some freedom. Not to set him up for failure, but because he may surprise us and not do anything bad. But before you answer, imagine that you had a 12-year-old daughter. How would you feel if we sent Lucas to her daycamp? To play on her sports team? To run around her neighborhood?

Other than us, there is simply no one else available in our area who can watch him as closely as he needs to be watched.

What should we do?